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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Robert Pattinson Looking Forward To Taking On More Serious Vampire Roles After Conclusion Of 'Twilight' Films

LOS ANGELES—During a press junket for Breaking Dawn Part 2 Friday, actor Robert Pattinson told reporters that with The Twilight Saga now behind him, he is eager to branch out into different, more serious vampire roles. “Twilight has obviously been wonderful for my career, and I’m thankful for its success, but I’m looking forward to extending my range and playing more sophisticated, multifaceted vampire characters,” said Pattison, adding that while he enjoyed portraying Edward Cullen in the five Twilight movies, he’s interested in future projects that deal with “darker, grittier” themes, such as vampire mental illness, vampire poverty, and vampire drug addiction. “I’d love to challenge myself with more complex, harder-hitting material, maybe as a vampire war veteran struggling to return to civilian life, a gay vampire living with AIDS, or a Jewish vampire during the Holocaust.” At press time, Pattinson’s representatives confirmed the actor had just signed on to star in an upcoming biopic of vampire Jonas Salk and his search to find a cure for vampire polio.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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