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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Robert Pattinson Looking Forward To Taking On More Serious Vampire Roles After Conclusion Of 'Twilight' Films

LOS ANGELES—During a press junket for Breaking Dawn Part 2 Friday, actor Robert Pattinson told reporters that with The Twilight Saga now behind him, he is eager to branch out into different, more serious vampire roles. “Twilight has obviously been wonderful for my career, and I’m thankful for its success, but I’m looking forward to extending my range and playing more sophisticated, multifaceted vampire characters,” said Pattison, adding that while he enjoyed portraying Edward Cullen in the five Twilight movies, he’s interested in future projects that deal with “darker, grittier” themes, such as vampire mental illness, vampire poverty, and vampire drug addiction. “I’d love to challenge myself with more complex, harder-hitting material, maybe as a vampire war veteran struggling to return to civilian life, a gay vampire living with AIDS, or a Jewish vampire during the Holocaust.” At press time, Pattinson’s representatives confirmed the actor had just signed on to star in an upcoming biopic of vampire Jonas Salk and his search to find a cure for vampire polio.

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