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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Robinson Cano Didn’t Realize Mariners Expected Him To Run Their Social Media Too

SEATTLE—Twenty-one games into the $240 million contract he signed with the team in December, Seattle Mariners’ second baseman Robinson Cano admitted to reporters Thursday that he did not initially realize the organization also expected him to manage their social media operation as well. “Pretty much since the day I got here they’ve had me running their Twitter account, which they’re really trying to get up to 200,000 followers,” said the five-time All-Star who now also oversees the team’s Facebook, Pinterest, and Instagram profiles, adding that he spends most of his time in the dugout developing content for the Mariners’ brand-new Snapchat account. “It’s a ton of work ensuring that your scheduled posts are spaced out properly, and there’s always some cross-promotional thing I have to juggle, too. Plus, I’ve got to do all this while being in constant communication with the website, analytics, and marketing teams, which can be really annoying on road trips.” At press time, Cano was reportedly sitting out of batting practice in order to promote next Monday’s “Family Night” on the Mariners’ Google+ page.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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