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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Robinson Cano Didn’t Realize Mariners Expected Him To Run Their Social Media Too

SEATTLE—Twenty-one games into the $240 million contract he signed with the team in December, Seattle Mariners’ second baseman Robinson Cano admitted to reporters Thursday that he did not initially realize the organization also expected him to manage their social media operation as well. “Pretty much since the day I got here they’ve had me running their Twitter account, which they’re really trying to get up to 200,000 followers,” said the five-time All-Star who now also oversees the team’s Facebook, Pinterest, and Instagram profiles, adding that he spends most of his time in the dugout developing content for the Mariners’ brand-new Snapchat account. “It’s a ton of work ensuring that your scheduled posts are spaced out properly, and there’s always some cross-promotional thing I have to juggle, too. Plus, I’ve got to do all this while being in constant communication with the website, analytics, and marketing teams, which can be really annoying on road trips.” At press time, Cano was reportedly sitting out of batting practice in order to promote next Monday’s “Family Night” on the Mariners’ Google+ page.

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