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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Retires 'D' Chord

CLEVELAND—The D chord, famed for its part in innumerable classic rock songs, including "Back in Black," "Bad Moon Rising," and "Don't Be Cruel," was retired Tuesday during a ceremony at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum.

"The D chord has firmly cemented its place in rock history," said Hall of Fame founder and Rolling Stone publisher Jann Wenner at the induction, during which Eric Clapton, Chuck Berry, Pete Townshend, R.E.M.'s Peter Buck, and several other rock luminaries simultaneously performed the chord one last time. "We are proud to honor the legacy of this immortal and eminently prestigious musical tone by never allowing it to be played again in any genre of rock music."

The D chord will take its place in the museum's permanent collection alongside Jimi Hendrix's guitar, David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust–era platform boots, and the whole-note rest.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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