'Rock the Vote' Propels Metallica to Senate

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Vol 29 Issue 23

Special Olympics Fixed

A secret investigation sent shock waves across the sports world yesterday, when it revealed that the Special Olympics, one of the nation's premier annual athletic competitions, is fixed. [image:50101] According to the undercover...

Charlton Heston Gets Serious

HOLLYWOOD, CA—After a quarter century of wacky, lighthearted comedy roles, veteran actor Charlton Heston has accepted a part in a Biblical epic to air on TNT.

New Secretary to Personalize Workspace

MINNEAPOLIS—U.S. Bureau of Departmental Operations secretary Helen Lastrom, 38, is slated to personalize her workplace, a six-foot square cubicle delineated by three grayish-brown office dividers, in the Bureau’s Minneapolis office this week. Her plans in...

Tyrannical African Despot Installs Suggestion Box

KHARTOUM, SUDAN—In a move Secretary General Boutros Boutros-Ghali is hailing as “a major step forward” for democracy in Africa, the United Nations announced Monday that Sudan’s repressive President, General Kolimba Djimasta, has agreed to install a sugges...

Quincy Suspects Murder

LOS ANGELES—Forensic examiner Quincy announced today that he believes a John Doe brought to him by police detectives was murdered, and not dead of natural causes as ruled by the county coroner. “It is not often that I suspect foul p...
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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

'Rock the Vote' Propels Metallica to Senate

WASHINGTON, DC—MTV’s Rock the Vote campaign has propelled the heavy metal group Metallica to a U.S. Senate seat. “Millions of kids rocked the vote,” MTV spokesperson Al Teaderman said. “They voted. And voted hard.” Metallica, whose new release Load is the number one album in the U.S., supports a balanced budget, welfare reform and maintaining strong relations with Pantera. “Pantera is a powerful ally,” Metallica spokesperson Lars Ulrich said of the rival metal superpower. “Together we can rock many critical legislative sessions.” The newly elected Metallica replaces retiring Senator Eugene Hatcher (R-OR).

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