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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Rockin' Party Dude Strongly Recommends Additional Drinking

LOUISVILLE, KY—Self-described party dude Phil issued a strongly worded recommendation to fellow houseguests at 3:15 a.m. Saturday, urging the universal consumption of one to two additional brewskis in order to keep the assembled partygoers from totally wussing out. "Come on, where's everybody going?" said Phil, who according to witnesses was wearing a 1980s-era Iron Maiden T-shirt in what appeared to be a non-ironic manner. "Drink up, you lightweights!" Observers noted that Phil's strategy of shaking the keg and citing the resultant sound of sloshing liquid as evidence the party was not yet over might have been effective had he not lost consciousness moments later. As of press time, Phil has still not resumed rocking.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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