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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Rockin' Party Dude Strongly Recommends Additional Drinking

LOUISVILLE, KY—Self-described party dude Phil issued a strongly worded recommendation to fellow houseguests at 3:15 a.m. Saturday, urging the universal consumption of one to two additional brewskis in order to keep the assembled partygoers from totally wussing out. "Come on, where's everybody going?" said Phil, who according to witnesses was wearing a 1980s-era Iron Maiden T-shirt in what appeared to be a non-ironic manner. "Drink up, you lightweights!" Observers noted that Phil's strategy of shaking the keg and citing the resultant sound of sloshing liquid as evidence the party was not yet over might have been effective had he not lost consciousness moments later. As of press time, Phil has still not resumed rocking.

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