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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Rockin' Party Dude Strongly Recommends Additional Drinking

LOUISVILLE, KY—Self-described party dude Phil issued a strongly worded recommendation to fellow houseguests at 3:15 a.m. Saturday, urging the universal consumption of one to two additional brewskis in order to keep the assembled partygoers from totally wussing out. "Come on, where's everybody going?" said Phil, who according to witnesses was wearing a 1980s-era Iron Maiden T-shirt in what appeared to be a non-ironic manner. "Drink up, you lightweights!" Observers noted that Phil's strategy of shaking the keg and citing the resultant sound of sloshing liquid as evidence the party was not yet over might have been effective had he not lost consciousness moments later. As of press time, Phil has still not resumed rocking.

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