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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Rockin' Party Dude Strongly Recommends Additional Drinking

LOUISVILLE, KY—Self-described party dude Phil issued a strongly worded recommendation to fellow houseguests at 3:15 a.m. Saturday, urging the universal consumption of one to two additional brewskis in order to keep the assembled partygoers from totally wussing out. "Come on, where's everybody going?" said Phil, who according to witnesses was wearing a 1980s-era Iron Maiden T-shirt in what appeared to be a non-ironic manner. "Drink up, you lightweights!" Observers noted that Phil's strategy of shaking the keg and citing the resultant sound of sloshing liquid as evidence the party was not yet over might have been effective had he not lost consciousness moments later. As of press time, Phil has still not resumed rocking.

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