How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
End Of Section
  • More News


Rocky Horror Picture Show's Cult Following Just Doesn't Have The Energy Anymore

Tired, run-down 'Rocky Horror' fans told reporters if they heard the words "hot patootie, bless my soul" one more time they were going to lose their minds.
Tired, run-down 'Rocky Horror' fans told reporters if they heard the words "hot patootie, bless my soul" one more time they were going to lose their minds.

LOS ANGELES—Longtime fans of the 1975 cult classic The Rocky Horror Picture Show reported this week that after 30 years of religiously attending midnight showings of the film, they no longer have the energy to put on red wigs, bras, and lipstick and yell things at a movie screen until two in the morning.

Describing the never-ending ritual of gathering together with fellow fans and re-watching the camp musical comedy as "tiring" and "frankly, a little pathetic," thousands of once-obsessed Rocky Horror fans across the country made it known that their enthusiasm for the whole cult following in general was beginning to wane.

"I'm just exhausted," said Los Angeles attorney Chris Bendel, 51, who has viewed the film with dozens of other mainly middle-aged audience members on an estimated 246 separate occasions. "Sure, there was a time when the idea of standing up in my seat and singing along with 'Dammit Janet' seemed like the greatest thing in the world, but now the mere thought of having to do it all again next week actually fills me with dread. I am a grown man. What am I doing?"

"The last screening I went to I sat there the entire time thinking, 'This movie isn't even that great and I kind of feel like an asshole,'" Bendel added.

Citing hours of missed sleep, thousands of dollars wasted on props and costumes, and an overall leveling out of whatever crazed, youthful energy got them so obsessed in the first place, the entire extended fan base of the film has called for a rethinking of the midnight-screening premise itself.

"Would it kill them to play it three or four times a year instead of every single week?" asked Tom McDougal, 47, who claimed that after a long day at work, staying up all night with 40 near-strangers dressed as sweet transvestites was "not exactly thrilling" anymore. "How about maybe doing a matinee every once in a while? Jesus Christ, I fell asleep last week during 'Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch Me.'"

In addition, numerous Rocky Horror enthusiasts stated this week that the dozens of audience-participation rituals invented for the screenings over the years had long ago lost their magic, and were now simply a chore.

Fan Deborah Wright, 39, announced that she will no longer be going to Shop 'n Save to pick up a loaf of bread in order to make toast to throw at the screen when the line "A toast!" is spoken. And Chicago-area computer programmer Rob Levin told reporters he was tired of bringing bags of rice, hot dogs, and toilet paper to local screenings, citing the fact that he is a 47-year-old man with a wife and child.

"I actually go out and spend money on supplies for this thing," Levin said. "Supplies. For a movie. How idiotic is that?"

Rocky Horror fan club president Sal Piro addressed concerns at a press conference Monday, saying that he shared fans' growing lack of interest, and that the film itself was to blame.

"Look, for decades there wasn't a bigger Rocky Horror nut on the planet than me," Piro said. "But my tastes have changed over time, and I've got to be honest with myself: The Rocky Horror Picture Show is actually a pretty irritating movie, and the music, while admittedly catchy on first listen, really starts to grate over time. And dressing up like Dr. Frank-N-Furter or Riff Raff and prancing around like an over-caffeinated teenager doesn't make the movie any better, it just compounds everything that is already annoying about it."

"So really, this whole thing has been a colossal waste of time," Piro continued. "And now it appears as though the better part of my life is over, so, there you go. There's your fucking 'time warp' right there.

Entertainment Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close