How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Rocky II, III, IV Decisions Overturned After Stallone Caught With Performance-Enhancing Drugs

PHILADELPHIA—In the wake of last month's shocking revelation that actor Sylvester Stallone had been caught with the illegal human growth hormone Jintropin at an Australian airport, the World Boxing Association, in a joint decision with the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and the Screen Actors Guild, has overturned the uplifting, feel-good endings of Rocky II, III, and IV, sources said Monday.

"This is a sad day for fictional boxing," WBA president Gilberto Mendoza said. "Like many moviegoers, I was deeply touched by Rocky Balboa's story: a street thug from Philadelphia who, when given the chance of a lifetime, was able to overcome seemingly insurmountable odds in the pursuit of his dream. Now we learn that the entire underdog fantasy was based on a lie."

Stallone dodges reporters in Beverly Hills.

Academy president Sid Ganis shared Mendoza's outrage. "The collective joy and elation we felt every time the strains of Bill Conti's 'Gonna Fly Now' filled the theaters has been replaced with a feeling of disgust and betrayal," Ganis said.

Since Balboa's first onscreen fight in 1976, the fictitious boxer has inspired millions of theatergoers the world over.  But the ruling, considered one of the harshest in sports- movie history, affects nearly all of the imaginary two-time heavyweight champion's inspiring moments in the ring. The reversed decisions include his first title victory in 1979, a three-round knockout of Clubber Lang in 1982, a montage of title defenses that same year, and a 15-round knockout of Ivan Drago, his toughest opponent, whom he fought in front of a hostile Communist crowd at the height of Hollywood's Reagan-era anti-Soviet furor.

"Drago was the villain in Rocky IV precisely because he was on steroids," lifelong fan Justin Grands said. "Now it turns out Stallone, the so-called hero, was just as juiced, if not more? What a bum."

Also nullified are the emotional highs that preceded or accompanied the victories, such as the triumphant sprint up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art, the climbing of a Russian mountain, and all one-handed pushups performed by Balboa. These scenes are also banned from future montages of Hollywood's greatest moments.

Virtually the only victory that still remains valid is the 1990 fight between Balboa and Tommy "Machine" Gunn, but only because it was a street brawl and thus not subject to sanction or regulation by a professional boxing organization.

All extant VHS and DVD copies of Rocky II, III, and IV have been recalled from circulation "effective immediately," and will not be re- released until a decision has been made whether to end the films before their climactic title matches or shoot new scenes in which Balboa suffers humiliating defeats, a spokesman for Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer said.

In the wake of the decision to reverse the films' endings, Balboa's title belt will be retroactively awarded to opponent Apollo Creed. Because Creed died at the beginning of Rocky IV, the posthumous title will be awarded in his stead to Carl Weathers, the actor who portrayed him.

Stallone has been ordered to return all belts won in the last three decades.

The discovery of performance-enhancing drugs on Stallone's person vindicates years of hushed speculation among viewers that the Rocky films' rapid-fire training montages were too good to be true.

"Nobody can achieve those kinds of results from drinking raw eggs, punching meat, running in the snow, chopping wood, and lifting large wagons filled with people," sports medicine expert Bruce Thurman said. "The only way to make so much physical progress in such a short amount of time—often as little as three to five minutes—is to use HGH or anabolic steroids."

Suspicions were also raised in the wake of the most recent match, a 2006 exhibition fight against 25-year-old champion of the world Mason "The Line" Dixon, which the 60-year-old Stallone performed "unbelievably, even for a Rocky movie," according to former fan Lisa Burke.

"As a viewer, I shouldn't have to sit in a movie theater wondering if what I'm seeing is real," Burke said. "If I can't trust inspirational Hollywood sports movies featuring lovable heroes and clear demarcations between good and evil, what can I trust?"

"I just don't know what to believe anymore," fellow disappointed moviegoer Dan Manoogian said. "Am I no longer supposed to think crime is a disease and he's the cure? What about his work with the San Angeles Police Department after being cryogenically frozen until the year 2036—did that not happen either? I don't even want to think about the implications this could have on the fates of Vietnam prisoners of war rescued by John Rambo."

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