adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Rocky Top's Owners Say Goodbye To Their Dead Horse's Semen

Tonight in the SportsDome, you saw the life of racehorse Rocky Top tragically cut short before his sperm could be sold to sire dozens more horses at premium prices. The loss of the horse's fertility touched no one more than his owners George and Marsha Fielding, who lost not only a horse, but a substantial amount of money.

In light of the tragic loss of her horse's life and therefore breeding potential, Marsha asked us to send along her thanks with this statement:

This has been a trying time for me and my family. The Fieldings have owned horses for generations, and we have never had a horse's value evaporate before our eyes as we did today. As soon as Rocky Top fell, I knew it was a race against time to get as much semen as we could out of him before he died of his injury, or exhaustion from being masturbated so vigorously. But just when it looked like there was reason for optimism, all that was taken away from us.

My first reaction when I learned about Rocky Top's infertility was anger. To have wasted so much time and effort, grooming, training, so we would some day sell his sperm to the highest-bidding horse breeder. For all that to come to naught? It was a bitter pill to swallow. I thought, why us? Why Rocky Top? Why couldn't it have happened to a less valuable horse?

But upon further reflection, I came to remember the good times with Rocky Top. I thought of him trotting around the pasture, majestic genitals swinging in the breeze. We thought that horse would make us rich millions, and though it never came to pass, it doesn't take away from the good times we shared, admiring his sperm and dreaming of it being inserted into mares across the country. The money Rocky Top could have brought us is gone, but those memories remain.

On behalf of my entire family, I want to thank each and every one of you for your wishes, your cards and your prayers. Though Rocky Top died without making us a penny, we will not give up. We will continue to buy and breed new, hopefully more fertile horses. We will name the next one Rocky Top's Penis.

Sincerely,
Marsha Fielding

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close