Rocky Top's Owners Say Goodbye To Their Dead Horse's Semen

In This Section

Vol 47 Issue 07

Trail Blazers Down To One Working Knee

PORTLAND, OR—According to sources close to the injury-plagued Portland Trail Blazers, after a series of knee injuries to center Marcus Camby and All-Star guard Brandon Roy, the team is now officially down to one good knee.

Tim Duncan Urges All-Stars To Use Inside Voice During Game

LOS ANGELES—Saying he understands how excited everyone can get during an All-Star game, Spurs center Tim Duncan made it clear Saturday that since the game is held inside the Staples Center, he expects members of both teams to put their outside voice...

Area Dad Just Wants Computer With The Basics

EDISON, NJ—Wary of paying too much for a new computer loaded with unnecessary bells and whistles, area dad Paul Moyers, 52, announced Friday that he just wants a regular, no-frills PC with only the basics.

Military Releases Drone's Suicide Note

In a shocking turn of events, embattled military drone plane TR425 destroyed itself. Military officials released the following suicide note written by the airplane.

Healthy Living Tips For Shawnas

Having a healthy lifestyle isn't just about staying out of the sun (or out of a tanning bed). Here are some simple tips to help Shawnas participate in a healthier life.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Business

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Rocky Top's Owners Say Goodbye To Their Dead Horse's Semen

Tonight in the SportsDome, you saw the life of racehorse Rocky Top tragically cut short before his sperm could be sold to sire dozens more horses at premium prices. The loss of the horse's fertility touched no one more than his owners George and Marsha Fielding, who lost not only a horse, but a substantial amount of money.

In light of the tragic loss of her horse's life and therefore breeding potential, Marsha asked us to send along her thanks with this statement:

This has been a trying time for me and my family. The Fieldings have owned horses for generations, and we have never had a horse's value evaporate before our eyes as we did today. As soon as Rocky Top fell, I knew it was a race against time to get as much semen as we could out of him before he died of his injury, or exhaustion from being masturbated so vigorously. But just when it looked like there was reason for optimism, all that was taken away from us.

My first reaction when I learned about Rocky Top's infertility was anger. To have wasted so much time and effort, grooming, training, so we would some day sell his sperm to the highest-bidding horse breeder. For all that to come to naught? It was a bitter pill to swallow. I thought, why us? Why Rocky Top? Why couldn't it have happened to a less valuable horse?

But upon further reflection, I came to remember the good times with Rocky Top. I thought of him trotting around the pasture, majestic genitals swinging in the breeze. We thought that horse would make us rich millions, and though it never came to pass, it doesn't take away from the good times we shared, admiring his sperm and dreaming of it being inserted into mares across the country. The money Rocky Top could have brought us is gone, but those memories remain.

On behalf of my entire family, I want to thank each and every one of you for your wishes, your cards and your prayers. Though Rocky Top died without making us a penny, we will not give up. We will continue to buy and breed new, hopefully more fertile horses. We will name the next one Rocky Top's Penis.

Sincerely,
Marsha Fielding

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More