adBlockCheck

Sports

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Roger Clemens Evidently Pretending To Pitch For New York Yankees

HOUSTON—According to Houston fans, media, and fellow players, Roger Clemens is clearly pretending that he is a member of the playoff-bound New York Yankees, and not the third-place Astros team for which he actually pitches. "He's always referring to 'that series with the Red Sox,' saying that he's confident this is the year we lock up No. 27 for these great fans in the Bronx, and he spent all Wednesday celebrating, spraying champagne all over the place, and shouting 'We clinched the AL East!'" said Astros catcher Brad Ausmus, whom Clemens reportedly refers to as "Jorge" during their meetings on the mound. "I want to break it to him that he's not a Yankee, but I'm afraid that it's the only thing that keeps him going at this point." When asked about the Astros' chances of earning the wild-card berth, Clemens said that "they've got a good team over there, and even though their pitching has been weaker since that blockbuster trade at the deadline, it would be a thrill for this native Texan to face his hometown team in the World Series."

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close