adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
End Of Section
  • More News

Roger Clemens Evidently Pretending To Pitch For New York Yankees

HOUSTON—According to Houston fans, media, and fellow players, Roger Clemens is clearly pretending that he is a member of the playoff-bound New York Yankees, and not the third-place Astros team for which he actually pitches. "He's always referring to 'that series with the Red Sox,' saying that he's confident this is the year we lock up No. 27 for these great fans in the Bronx, and he spent all Wednesday celebrating, spraying champagne all over the place, and shouting 'We clinched the AL East!'" said Astros catcher Brad Ausmus, whom Clemens reportedly refers to as "Jorge" during their meetings on the mound. "I want to break it to him that he's not a Yankee, but I'm afraid that it's the only thing that keeps him going at this point." When asked about the Astros' chances of earning the wild-card berth, Clemens said that "they've got a good team over there, and even though their pitching has been weaker since that blockbuster trade at the deadline, it would be a thrill for this native Texan to face his hometown team in the World Series."

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close