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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Roger Clemens Evidently Pretending To Pitch For New York Yankees

HOUSTON—According to Houston fans, media, and fellow players, Roger Clemens is clearly pretending that he is a member of the playoff-bound New York Yankees, and not the third-place Astros team for which he actually pitches. "He's always referring to 'that series with the Red Sox,' saying that he's confident this is the year we lock up No. 27 for these great fans in the Bronx, and he spent all Wednesday celebrating, spraying champagne all over the place, and shouting 'We clinched the AL East!'" said Astros catcher Brad Ausmus, whom Clemens reportedly refers to as "Jorge" during their meetings on the mound. "I want to break it to him that he's not a Yankee, but I'm afraid that it's the only thing that keeps him going at this point." When asked about the Astros' chances of earning the wild-card berth, Clemens said that "they've got a good team over there, and even though their pitching has been weaker since that blockbuster trade at the deadline, it would be a thrill for this native Texan to face his hometown team in the World Series."

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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