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Roger Clemens Evidently Pretending To Pitch For New York Yankees

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Roger Clemens Evidently Pretending To Pitch For New York Yankees

HOUSTON—According to Houston fans, media, and fellow players, Roger Clemens is clearly pretending that he is a member of the playoff-bound New York Yankees, and not the third-place Astros team for which he actually pitches. "He's always referring to 'that series with the Red Sox,' saying that he's confident this is the year we lock up No. 27 for these great fans in the Bronx, and he spent all Wednesday celebrating, spraying champagne all over the place, and shouting 'We clinched the AL East!'" said Astros catcher Brad Ausmus, whom Clemens reportedly refers to as "Jorge" during their meetings on the mound. "I want to break it to him that he's not a Yankee, but I'm afraid that it's the only thing that keeps him going at this point." When asked about the Astros' chances of earning the wild-card berth, Clemens said that "they've got a good team over there, and even though their pitching has been weaker since that blockbuster trade at the deadline, it would be a thrill for this native Texan to face his hometown team in the World Series."

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