Roger Clemens' Family Offers Him One-Year, $10 Million Contract

In This Section

Family

The First Years

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

First Holiday Season Without Grandma Incredible

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Expressing appreciation for the more relaxed and cheerful atmosphere, members of the Shaw family confirmed Thursday that the first holiday season without grandmother Ethel Shaw had been absolutely incredible.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Family Fears Grandmother Aware Of Her Surroundings

BEDFORD, NH—Acknowledging a look in her eyes that sometimes makes them think she may actually be registering things, the family of local grandmother Janice Humphries expressed anxiety Tuesday that the 93-year-old nursing home resident might be aware...

Self-Centered Child Blames Divorce Entirely On Himself

LINCOLN, NE—Claiming that the third-grader refuses to acknowledge anyone else’s involvement in the situation, sources confirmed Monday that egocentric 8-year-old Dylan Fielder blames the divorce of his parents entirely on himself.

Tips For A Healthy Pregnancy

Pregnancy is a challenging time for any expectant mother, but eating well, getting prenatal care, and being active are all ways that women can stay healthy and feel great.

Back-To-School Preparation Tips For Parents

With millions of children heading back to school next week, parents across the country are stocking up on supplies, getting in touch with teachers, and setting expectations to help their kids succeed.

Top Parenting Trends Of 2014

Between questions of breastfeeding, circumcision, vaccinations, and must-have accessories, moms and dads are confronted with a wealth of options when it comes to raising their children.

Grandmother Talking Big Game About Being Alive Next Year

HAMILTON, OH—Noting that she had made a lot of bold proclamations in recent months regarding upcoming birthdays and future vacations, family members of local grandmother Abigail Stapleton told reporters Wednesday that the 88-year-old is talking some...

The Pros And Cons Of Waiting To Have Children

According to the CDC, more women than ever are waiting to have children until they are 35 or older, when they have completed their educations and are more financially stable, though doctors warn that having children later in life can lead to health com...

Man Brings Son Into Office To See Where Dad Emasculated

ROGERS, MN—Smiling and offering commentary throughout the visit, local employee Jason Aldrich reportedly brought his 7-year-old son to his office Tuesday, giving the young boy a chance to see where his dad is humiliated and stripped of his manhood o...

Homosexuality Only Thing Parents Can Accept About Son

GRAND FORKS, ND—Expressing their deep disappointment with his behavior and lifestyle, local parents Jeff and Susan Lindegaard told reporters Tuesday that they are simply unable to accept anything about their 24-year-old son Henry aside from his homo...

Aunt Enters Ninth Year Of Raving About ‘Wicked’

OGDENSBURG, NY—Praising its vibrant visual effects and declaring multiple songs “absolute showstoppers,” local aunt Treena Warner, 53, informed extended family members for the ninth consecutive year that the Broadway musical Wicked...

Something Apparently Going On With Mom And Her Best Friend

SEWICKLEY, PA—Noting the abrupt cessation of nightly phone calls and general references to her longtime confidante, household sources confirmed Wednesday that something is evidently going on between local mom Catherine Bowen, 51, and her best friend...

Dad Way Scarier When Controlling Temper

SANTA ROSA, CA—Noting the 51-year-old’s increasingly flushed complexion, wide and intense eyes, and slow, heavy breathing during an argument Friday morning, local siblings Jeff and Katie Russell told reporters that their father, Dave Russell, ...

Nation’s Sisters Issue Annual Report On Dealing With Dad

WASHINGTON—Citing an extensive body of research conducted over recent holiday get-togethers and weekly phone conversations, the nation’s sisters on Wednesday issued their yearly report outlining the various strategies for best dealing with Dad...

Newborn Soothed By Familiar Sound Of Parents’ Bickering

OLYMPIA, WA—After an extended period of fussing and crying in his bassinet, 10-day-old Joshua Brundage was reportedly calmed Sunday by the familiar sounds of his parents’ raised voices, a daily occurrence that he is said to have grown accustom...

Perverted Little Boy Asks To Sleep With Parents

ENID, OK—Reportedly seeking to indulge his twisted desires for the third time in as many nights, perverted 6-year-old Kyle Rogers entered his parents’ bedroom Tuesday night and directly asked if he could sleep with both of them, household sour...

Visit Home Referred To As Vacation By Parents

PINE BLUFF, AR—Telling their son he should take it easy because he deserves it, the parents of 26-year-old Austin, TX resident Jason Gibney referred to the time he spent visiting his family in Arkansas over the Easter weekend as a vacation, househol...

Dad Announces Plan To Honk When He’s Out Front

BRUNSWICK, OH—Announcing his intentions to pick up his 13-year-old daughter at 6:30 sharp, local dad Phil Cobb clearly and concisely outlined his plan to honk when he’s out front, sources confirmed Wednesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Spring

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Family

The First Years

Roger Clemens' Family Offers Him One-Year, $10 Million Contract

HOUSTON—Representatives from the Clemens family met with the star pitcher over an informal dinner Tuesday evening to discuss the possibility of keeping Roger Clemens home for one more season, sources close to the family reported.

Roger Clemens meets with three members of the Clemens organization.

Baseball analysts are calling the one-year, $10 million contract a last-ditch effort on the family's part to bring the seven-time Cy Young Award winner and three-time World's Greatest Dad back to his roots.

"It's hard to put a dollar amount on what Roger has historically meant to this family," said Clemens' wife Debbie, who has been handling most of the negotiations. "Many of the younger members of this organization really look up to Roger—growing up, he was their hero. Now Roger has the chance to be a kind of mentor to guys like Kacy and Kody. They have really been lacking the strong veteran presence that's so crucial at this point in their careers."

"We need you, Roger," Debbie added. "Please come home."

According to reports, the contract is a one-year deal with a family option for a second year should Clemens perform well in his new role as husband and father. Much of the $10 million will be deferred to allow the family to accommodate his other demands, particularly the custom recliner and the vanity plates for his Hummer. According to Debbie, this contract is nearly identical to the one Clemens signed to join the family initially.

The incentive-laden deal includes a signing bonus of $2 million, and gives Clemens the chance to earn an extra $3 million if he makes an appearance in at least 25 family game nights over the course of the summer, plus an additional $250,000 every time he plays a regulation round of catch with one of his sons. Under the terms of the contract, Clemens would not be obligated to attend away visits to Debbie's mother's house.

Debbie added that the family would have the right to terminate the contract at any point, however, should Clemens ever get caught cheating.

Some experts say that the aging right-hander is no longer focused or dedicated enough to be a leader in the household. However, many maintain that, should Clemens decide to rejoin his wife and children, he will quickly adjust to handling the responsibility and expectations that come with a lucrative contract.

"Roger Clemens would be a great addition to this family," analyst Jayson Stark said. "He can really work with those young kids as they develop and mature, and teach them everything he knows. Although the family probably isn't looking for him to fill a role-model-type position, it couldn't hurt to have a guy like him around to be there for them after they've had a rough outing. Those kinds of experiences are invaluable."

Some analysts, however, say the Houston Astros, who last week formally offered him a $12 million deal, have the strongest chance of landing the pitcher, as Clemens himself has said that the most important thing for him right now is "being close to home."

"At this stage in his career, Roger Clemens is interested in winning, and I think it's safe to say that his family has no chance of even getting to the World Series," analyst Peter Gammons said. "The Astros organization is full of familiar faces, people with whom he has grown unusually close, and I get the sense that the people there truly care about him. You can't find that sort of unconditional love just anywhere."

"And when you think about it, $12 million is an awful lot of money," Gammons added.

Clemens' agent Randy Hendricks said that, although the family does present a lot of advantages that other teams simply cannot offer, Clemens is still undecided about where and with whom he wants to spend the 2006 season.

"They gave a fair offer, and these folks are certainly in the running," Hendricks said. "Roger is keeping all his options open for now, and I'm sure that, just as they have in the past, his family will be supportive of whatever decision he ultimately makes."

Clemens has refused to address speculation that his recent visits to the family have been an attempt to coax more money out of competing organizations.

Some experts, such as Baseball Tonight's Buster Olney, say that the Clemens family is the clear frontrunner to acquire the pitcher, pointing out that Clemens has been working out at the family's Houston-based facility during the winter and spring months. According to Olney, it would be "a homecoming of sorts" for the native Texan, who would relish the opportunity to return to the organization he once helped build from scratch.

"Sure, Roger may have created a rift with these people, who once claimed to be his 'biggest fans,' but he now has a chance to rectify all that and see his career come full circle," said Olney, noting that if Clemens doesn't take his family's offer now, that opportunity might not present itself again. "He has a shared emotional bond with them that he has only previously experienced with the Red Sox, maybe the Yanks."

"Whether he likes it or not, Roger Clemens is practically a part of this family," Olney added.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More