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Roger Clemens' Family Offers Him One-Year, $10 Million Contract

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NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

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BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

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Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

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Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

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EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

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NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

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The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

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Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

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Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

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Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

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WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

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Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

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Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

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2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.
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Roger Clemens' Family Offers Him One-Year, $10 Million Contract

HOUSTON—Representatives from the Clemens family met with the star pitcher over an informal dinner Tuesday evening to discuss the possibility of keeping Roger Clemens home for one more season, sources close to the family reported.

Roger Clemens meets with three members of the Clemens organization.

Baseball analysts are calling the one-year, $10 million contract a last-ditch effort on the family's part to bring the seven-time Cy Young Award winner and three-time World's Greatest Dad back to his roots.

"It's hard to put a dollar amount on what Roger has historically meant to this family," said Clemens' wife Debbie, who has been handling most of the negotiations. "Many of the younger members of this organization really look up to Roger—growing up, he was their hero. Now Roger has the chance to be a kind of mentor to guys like Kacy and Kody. They have really been lacking the strong veteran presence that's so crucial at this point in their careers."

"We need you, Roger," Debbie added. "Please come home."

According to reports, the contract is a one-year deal with a family option for a second year should Clemens perform well in his new role as husband and father. Much of the $10 million will be deferred to allow the family to accommodate his other demands, particularly the custom recliner and the vanity plates for his Hummer. According to Debbie, this contract is nearly identical to the one Clemens signed to join the family initially.

The incentive-laden deal includes a signing bonus of $2 million, and gives Clemens the chance to earn an extra $3 million if he makes an appearance in at least 25 family game nights over the course of the summer, plus an additional $250,000 every time he plays a regulation round of catch with one of his sons. Under the terms of the contract, Clemens would not be obligated to attend away visits to Debbie's mother's house.

Debbie added that the family would have the right to terminate the contract at any point, however, should Clemens ever get caught cheating.

Some experts say that the aging right-hander is no longer focused or dedicated enough to be a leader in the household. However, many maintain that, should Clemens decide to rejoin his wife and children, he will quickly adjust to handling the responsibility and expectations that come with a lucrative contract.

"Roger Clemens would be a great addition to this family," analyst Jayson Stark said. "He can really work with those young kids as they develop and mature, and teach them everything he knows. Although the family probably isn't looking for him to fill a role-model-type position, it couldn't hurt to have a guy like him around to be there for them after they've had a rough outing. Those kinds of experiences are invaluable."

Some analysts, however, say the Houston Astros, who last week formally offered him a $12 million deal, have the strongest chance of landing the pitcher, as Clemens himself has said that the most important thing for him right now is "being close to home."

"At this stage in his career, Roger Clemens is interested in winning, and I think it's safe to say that his family has no chance of even getting to the World Series," analyst Peter Gammons said. "The Astros organization is full of familiar faces, people with whom he has grown unusually close, and I get the sense that the people there truly care about him. You can't find that sort of unconditional love just anywhere."

"And when you think about it, $12 million is an awful lot of money," Gammons added.

Clemens' agent Randy Hendricks said that, although the family does present a lot of advantages that other teams simply cannot offer, Clemens is still undecided about where and with whom he wants to spend the 2006 season.

"They gave a fair offer, and these folks are certainly in the running," Hendricks said. "Roger is keeping all his options open for now, and I'm sure that, just as they have in the past, his family will be supportive of whatever decision he ultimately makes."

Clemens has refused to address speculation that his recent visits to the family have been an attempt to coax more money out of competing organizations.

Some experts, such as Baseball Tonight's Buster Olney, say that the Clemens family is the clear frontrunner to acquire the pitcher, pointing out that Clemens has been working out at the family's Houston-based facility during the winter and spring months. According to Olney, it would be "a homecoming of sorts" for the native Texan, who would relish the opportunity to return to the organization he once helped build from scratch.

"Sure, Roger may have created a rift with these people, who once claimed to be his 'biggest fans,' but he now has a chance to rectify all that and see his career come full circle," said Olney, noting that if Clemens doesn't take his family's offer now, that opportunity might not present itself again. "He has a shared emotional bond with them that he has only previously experienced with the Red Sox, maybe the Yanks."

"Whether he likes it or not, Roger Clemens is practically a part of this family," Olney added.

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