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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Roger Clemens Officially Earns His $20 Million

NEW YORK—After a half-season plagued by inconsistency, injury, and general disappointment, Roger Clemens finally earned the almost $20 million he was signed for when he delivered a six-inning no-decision start against the Red Sox Sunday. "We paid Roger Clemens specifically for his ability to come up big in important games like this, and now that he has done that, I can proudly say that our money was not wasted and that his job here is done," Yankee GM Brian Cashman said of the 6­–6 pitcher with an ERA over 4.00 who has worked seven-plus innings in just three games this entire season. "We hope that Roger will continue to play for us through the remainder of the season, but if he does not want to, he has certainly held up his end of the bargain and is free to go." During a post-game press conference, Clemens noted that since he is focused on winning and is not really concerned about the money, he generously threw in four extra strikeouts for free.

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