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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Roger Clemens Officially Earns His $20 Million

NEW YORK—After a half-season plagued by inconsistency, injury, and general disappointment, Roger Clemens finally earned the almost $20 million he was signed for when he delivered a six-inning no-decision start against the Red Sox Sunday. "We paid Roger Clemens specifically for his ability to come up big in important games like this, and now that he has done that, I can proudly say that our money was not wasted and that his job here is done," Yankee GM Brian Cashman said of the 6­–6 pitcher with an ERA over 4.00 who has worked seven-plus innings in just three games this entire season. "We hope that Roger will continue to play for us through the remainder of the season, but if he does not want to, he has certainly held up his end of the bargain and is free to go." During a post-game press conference, Clemens noted that since he is focused on winning and is not really concerned about the money, he generously threw in four extra strikeouts for free.

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