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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Roger Clemens Officially Earns His $20 Million

NEW YORK—After a half-season plagued by inconsistency, injury, and general disappointment, Roger Clemens finally earned the almost $20 million he was signed for when he delivered a six-inning no-decision start against the Red Sox Sunday. "We paid Roger Clemens specifically for his ability to come up big in important games like this, and now that he has done that, I can proudly say that our money was not wasted and that his job here is done," Yankee GM Brian Cashman said of the 6­–6 pitcher with an ERA over 4.00 who has worked seven-plus innings in just three games this entire season. "We hope that Roger will continue to play for us through the remainder of the season, but if he does not want to, he has certainly held up his end of the bargain and is free to go." During a post-game press conference, Clemens noted that since he is focused on winning and is not really concerned about the money, he generously threw in four extra strikeouts for free.

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