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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Roger Clemens Officially Earns His $20 Million

NEW YORK—After a half-season plagued by inconsistency, injury, and general disappointment, Roger Clemens finally earned the almost $20 million he was signed for when he delivered a six-inning no-decision start against the Red Sox Sunday. "We paid Roger Clemens specifically for his ability to come up big in important games like this, and now that he has done that, I can proudly say that our money was not wasted and that his job here is done," Yankee GM Brian Cashman said of the 6­–6 pitcher with an ERA over 4.00 who has worked seven-plus innings in just three games this entire season. "We hope that Roger will continue to play for us through the remainder of the season, but if he does not want to, he has certainly held up his end of the bargain and is free to go." During a post-game press conference, Clemens noted that since he is focused on winning and is not really concerned about the money, he generously threw in four extra strikeouts for free.

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