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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Roger Federer Growing Frustrated As U.S. Open Drags Feet On Sending 1099 Form

BOTTMINGEN, SWITZERLAND—Roger Federer, the world's second-ranked men's tennis player, expressed consternation Monday that he was unable to file his taxes on income earned in the U.S. due to a late 1099 form for the $1.5 million he was awarded for winning the 2008 U.S. Open. "I've already gotten the paperwork for every other U.S. tournament I was in last year: my semifinal finish in the Pac Life Open, quarterfinals in the Sony Ericsson Open," Federer said while pounding away at an adding machine from his home in Bottmingen. "It's not the money; I just want to get it over with, but I swear they do this to me every year. In 2005, I didn't get the thing until Apr. 10. The U.S. Open needs to get its shit together." Federer then began to panic over whether or not he had sent the Grand Slam tennis tournament a properly filled out 1042-S form.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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