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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Roger Federer Growing Frustrated As U.S. Open Drags Feet On Sending 1099 Form

BOTTMINGEN, SWITZERLAND—Roger Federer, the world's second-ranked men's tennis player, expressed consternation Monday that he was unable to file his taxes on income earned in the U.S. due to a late 1099 form for the $1.5 million he was awarded for winning the 2008 U.S. Open. "I've already gotten the paperwork for every other U.S. tournament I was in last year: my semifinal finish in the Pac Life Open, quarterfinals in the Sony Ericsson Open," Federer said while pounding away at an adding machine from his home in Bottmingen. "It's not the money; I just want to get it over with, but I swear they do this to me every year. In 2005, I didn't get the thing until Apr. 10. The U.S. Open needs to get its shit together." Federer then began to panic over whether or not he had sent the Grand Slam tennis tournament a properly filled out 1042-S form.

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