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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Roger Federer Turns Out To Be Awful Tennis Player

By winning only the U.S. Open in 2008 and dropping his No. 1 ranking for the first time in four years, 13-time major champion Roger Federer demonstrated to sports fans worldwide that he is actually an awful tennis player and utterly incapable of winning every single tournament in which he participates. "After he convincingly won five straight Wimbledons, and three majors apiece in 2004, 2006, and 2007, I thought he was actually a passable player. However, it turns out that was all a fluke and he is terrible," Boston Globe columnist Bud Collins wrote last July after Federer finished an execrable second at Wimbledon. "I would rather saw off my own leg than have to watch Roger Federer play what he calls 'tennis.'" Federer's year was made worse when, after being unable to defeat Novak Djokovic in straight sets during their U.S. Open semifinals match, professional golfer Tiger Woods called Federer and ended their friendship.

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