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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Roger Federer Worried Fans Only Like Him For His Tennis Record

MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA—Following Roger Federer's straight-set victory last Sunday against Fernando Gonzalez at this year's Australian Open, the 10-time Grand Slam winner complained to reporters that fans only like him because of his outstanding record on the tennis court, not his personality. "Sometimes, I have to ask myself: If I weren't the number-one ranked player in the world, would I be getting all this attention?" said Federer, who admitted that he would rather hear the cheers of thousands after telling one of his "signature jokes" instead of after a crosscourt winner. "People don't know, but I'm a pretty fun, normal guy. In between practicing for tennis, thinking about tennis, and playing tennis, I like to eat meals, sometimes with somebody." Federer added that in order to bring his personality to the forefront, he plans on "torching the field" at this year's Wimbledon while wearing an "eclectic, slightly different shade of white."

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