adBlockCheck

Roger Goodell Announces NFL Will Begin Collecting Players’ Sperm For New Breeding Program

Top Headlines

Sports

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Roger Goodell Announces NFL Will Begin Collecting Players’ Sperm For New Breeding Program

NEW YORK—Telling reporters that “we must prepare for the future,” commissioner Roger Goodell announced Thursday that the league would begin collecting sperm samples from all players for the NFL’s new breeding program. “Each player shall submit to mandatory weekly collection of genetic information, in accordance with new league protocol,” said Goodell, who noted that resistance to the program “will not be tolerated.” “Empty capsules shall be distributed on Tuesday. The player shall fill the capsule with semen and return it on Wednesday, at which point it shall become the sole property of the NFL. All of this is necessary. The league will survive.” Goodell then cryptically added that two players from each of the NFL’s 32 teams had already been selected “to serve as the vessels.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close