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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Roger Goodell Asks Football Fans How Much They Are Willing To Pay To Make Pro Bowl Go Away

NEW YORK­—Football fans "do not like the Pro Bowl" and "would rather get rid of the all-star game altogether," NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters Saturday, saying the league is open to hearing exactly how much money viewers are willing to offer to make a Pro Bowl cancellation happen. "The fans have said this is becoming embarrassing for the sport, and we want them to know we're listening. So there's a seat at the bargaining table waiting for them," said Goodell, gesturing to his team of accountants and lawyers. "As the Players Association saw last year, we will consider all offers in good faith, but we're not going to just give you everything you want and leave money on the table. Name a sum, and we'll see how badly you don't want this." Sources inside the league said they were not expecting an unusually large deal with the fans, as the NFL already takes in more than 95% of Americans' discretionary income.

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