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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Roger Goodell Asks Football Fans How Much They Are Willing To Pay To Make Pro Bowl Go Away

NEW YORK­—Football fans "do not like the Pro Bowl" and "would rather get rid of the all-star game altogether," NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters Saturday, saying the league is open to hearing exactly how much money viewers are willing to offer to make a Pro Bowl cancellation happen. "The fans have said this is becoming embarrassing for the sport, and we want them to know we're listening. So there's a seat at the bargaining table waiting for them," said Goodell, gesturing to his team of accountants and lawyers. "As the Players Association saw last year, we will consider all offers in good faith, but we're not going to just give you everything you want and leave money on the table. Name a sum, and we'll see how badly you don't want this." Sources inside the league said they were not expecting an unusually large deal with the fans, as the NFL already takes in more than 95% of Americans' discretionary income.

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