Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Roger Goodell Carefully Considering Every Comment On Message Boards

NEW YORK—Admitting that he was thankful to have such a valuable resource at his disposal, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell revealed Thursday that he continues to carefully consider every single comment posted on the message boards.

Goodell told reporters that sitting down for several hours and combing through the roughly 8,000 comments submitted on the website each day has been an integral part of his work routine ever since succeeding Paul Tagliabue in 2006. The commissioner added that the posts regularly provide him with astute commentary on a wide array of league-related topics, all of which he attempts to incorporate into his decision-making process.

“Our fans know what they’re talking about when it comes to the intricacies of football and league management, and as commissioner I would be remiss to ever overlook that,” said Goodell, adding that the official website’s comment sections serve as aggregators of critical input that might otherwise never reach his desk. “For instance, Mark Turner recently made an excellent point about the excessive nature of Mike Tomlin’s fine, which I’m now reevaluating. Likewise, Sean Farnsworth’s remarks had me rethinking the league’s attitude toward protecting quarterbacks, which he believes comes at the cost of aggressive play calling by defenses.”

“And obviously Mark Henderson’s suggestion yesterday that ‘the Chargers fucking suck’ is equally thought-provoking,” Goodell added. “That’s certainly something I’m going to reflect upon.”

While the NFL commissioner typically acts unilaterally on more urgent and clear-cut issues submitted on the message boards, Goodell told reporters that he often presents a selection of comments at the league’s quarterly owners meetings for group debate.

According to Goodell, past discussions have focused on whether to follow Tony Pliska’s suggestion to “suspend the goddamn refs from the Giants-Redskins game,” as well the merits of further investigating Doug Beecham’s claim that there is a league-wide conspiracy to maintain the Patriots’ continued success.

Goodell added that the owners have yet to address one commenter’s repeated promise that those who click his link will find hot singles in their city looking for cock.

Citing several comments calling for Buccaneers head coach Greg Schiano to be fired, as well as one user’s contention that Raiders running back Darren McFadden is “a broken-down bum” unworthy of a contract extension, Goodell admitted that some fan suggestions, while highly insightful and well-reasoned, cannot be addressed at a league level and are simply out of his hands.

The commissioner emphasized that in those instances he can only ensure that the comments are seen by the proper personnel at the franchise in question, but added that it was his understanding that most front offices rely heavily on the user suggestions that he passes along.

“I always look forward to seeing what the regulars such as Jeff Byrne, Ken Hoffman, and Ethan Rafferty have to say,” said Goodell, pointing out that some of these commenters have been closely watching football for 15, even 20 years, and can always be relied upon to bring to his attention the pertinent issues of the day. “They obviously know their X’s and O’s and also understand that this league is still a business and needs to be run that way. I’m extremely fortunate to always have their advice at my fingertips.”

“I just hope they can keep it coming,” he added.

At press time, Goodell was reportedly hunched over his laptop, debating whether or not Paul Whigman may be right about referee Ed Hochuli being a scumbag in the pocket of the Seattle Seahawks.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close