adBlockCheck

Sports

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Roger Goodell 'Completely Skeeved Out' By Meeting With Ben Roethlisberger

NEW YORK—NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said Wednesday that Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger will serve a six-game suspension and must attend mandatory counseling, partially for violating the league's personal-conduct policy and partially for 'giving [Goodell] the creeps' during their Apr. 13 meeting. "Ben's bodyguards stood outside the door, and he assured me we were all alone and no one would bother us. Then he suddenly sat on my desk and tried to look at my notes, asking me what I was writing, if I was writing to another guy, or if I was telling someone else about him. At one point he sort of cornered me and I had to squeeze past him to get away," said Goodell, adding that he just tried to get the meeting over with as fast as possible. "He was so gross. And having his hair like that certainly doesn't help." Goodell also remarked that he would probably still change offices, although Roethlisberger's smell had mostly gone away.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close