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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Roger Goodell Dumps Box With Broken Pieces Of Lombardi Trophy In Front Of Tom Brady

‘Congratulations,’ Says Commissioner Before Walking Off Stage

HOUSTON—Quickly shaking out the contents of the cardboard box as confetti rained down around him on the midfield stage, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell dumped out the broken pieces of the Lombardi Trophy Sunday evening in front of New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. “Here—congratulations on your win,” Goodell reportedly muttered before briskly walking by the celebrating Patriots and off the platform as the trophy’s sterling-silver football rolled around beside its dented and scratched stand. “What a season.” Sources confirmed that Goodell proceeded to walk directly out of NRG Stadium and was then immediately driven to George Bush Intercontinental Airport.

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