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Roger Goodell Fired After Another .500 Season

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Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right?

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right?

Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again

WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Roger Goodell Fired After Another .500 Season

NEW YORK—Calling his sustained mediocrity “simply unacceptable,” the NFL’s owners reportedly elected Friday to fire Roger Goodell following his eighth consecutive .500 season as league commissioner. “As much as we appreciate what he has done for this organization, 127-127-2 frankly just doesn’t cut it,” said executive vice president Joe Siclare, noting that Goodell’s record included “inexcusable” losses to the Redskins, Jaguars, and Jets. “We thought Roger would lead us forward from the Tagliabue era and create a winning culture, but unfortunately he’s only delivered more .500 football. Our fans expect better than that, and so do we.” Sources confirmed that NFL owners are confident they can start winning soon if they finally pick up a decent quarterback in the 2014 draft.

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