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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Roger Goodell Fired After Another .500 Season

NEW YORK—Calling his sustained mediocrity “simply unacceptable,” the NFL’s owners reportedly elected Friday to fire Roger Goodell following his eighth consecutive .500 season as league commissioner. “As much as we appreciate what he has done for this organization, 127-127-2 frankly just doesn’t cut it,” said executive vice president Joe Siclare, noting that Goodell’s record included “inexcusable” losses to the Redskins, Jaguars, and Jets. “We thought Roger would lead us forward from the Tagliabue era and create a winning culture, but unfortunately he’s only delivered more .500 football. Our fans expect better than that, and so do we.” Sources confirmed that NFL owners are confident they can start winning soon if they finally pick up a decent quarterback in the 2014 draft.

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