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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Roger Goodell Proposes Eliminating Ball From NFL

NEW YORK—Responding to concerns about high injury rates on plays involving a football, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell introduced a possible rule change Friday that would eliminate balls from the game entirely. “Footballs pose a significant safety hazard, and nothing is more important to the league than our players’ safety,” said Goodell, who noted that footballs often hurtle through the air at more than 50 miles per hour before slamming violently into receivers and defenders. “Under the new rules, the NFL would remain committed to preserving the parts of the sport that make it great—players would line up, run, block, and tackle as normal, but they would do so without the highly dangerous footballs we currently use.” Goodell mentioned that the league is also considering a rule change that would reduce unsafe collisions by imposing a strict 3-mph on-field speed limit.

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