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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Roger Goodell Tells Junior Seau's Family To Throw Brain In His Trunk With The Rest Of Them

OCEANSIDE, CA—After paying his respects to the late Chargers great Wednesday, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell acceded to Junior Seau's family's request to have the deceased linebacker's brain studied for the effects of repeated concussions, telling them to toss it in the trunk of his car with all the other brains of dead players he has collected. "Use that permanent marker to write his name on the jar or whatever, and then you can just go ahead and drop it in there," said Goodell, referring to the large plastic container of more than a dozen ex-player brains he keeps in his trunk. "Oh, and sorry for your loss." Goodell promised the family that the clinking sound made as the brains rolled around in his trunk would remind him to keep them moist, and that any damage to Seau's brain will be reported by a team of medical experts hired by the league, as long as they don't find anything too damning.

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