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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Roger Goodell Urges Jets To Have More Sensible Goals Than Winning Super Bowl

NEW YORK—During a visit with the team Wednesday, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told the New York Jets to lower their Super Bowl expectations, suggesting they consider setting more manageable goals for the 2010-2011 season. "As commissioner, you hate to see one of your teams get disappointed, so I just told them, 'Look, the Super Bowl isn't for everybody,'" said Goodell, adding that while he understands the Jets went deep into the playoffs last season, it's important for them to recognize the difference between being a solid contender and a fluke hot streak. "A wild-card berth, that's realistic. Hell, going 8-8 and missing the playoffs by a game would be a pretty darn good season for them." After visiting the Jets, Goodell caught a plane to Tampa Bay, where he told the entire Buccaneers squad they should look into learning a trade or maybe going into sales.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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