adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Roger Goodell Urges Jets To Have More Sensible Goals Than Winning Super Bowl

NEW YORK—During a visit with the team Wednesday, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told the New York Jets to lower their Super Bowl expectations, suggesting they consider setting more manageable goals for the 2010-2011 season. "As commissioner, you hate to see one of your teams get disappointed, so I just told them, 'Look, the Super Bowl isn't for everybody,'" said Goodell, adding that while he understands the Jets went deep into the playoffs last season, it's important for them to recognize the difference between being a solid contender and a fluke hot streak. "A wild-card berth, that's realistic. Hell, going 8-8 and missing the playoffs by a game would be a pretty darn good season for them." After visiting the Jets, Goodell caught a plane to Tampa Bay, where he told the entire Buccaneers squad they should look into learning a trade or maybe going into sales.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close