Rogue Smorgasbord Sates Seven

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Vol 31 Issue 17

Hippocratic Oath Under Review By HMO Board

ATLANTA—The Oath of Hippocrates, a cornerstone of medical ethics for more than 2,000 years, is under review by the board of directors of MedCare, Georgia's leading HMO, it was announced Monday. "It looks good on paper, but frankly, some of the phrases struck us as a bit extreme," said board chair Dr. Forrest Gabler. "For example, 'The health of my patient will be my first consideration.' While it's fine as a concept, when put into actual practice, it creates massive budgetary and liability problems." Another phrase from the oath under review is, "I will practice my profession with conscience and dignity." "That goes without saying, so we'd just as soon not have it in there," Gabler said. Scheduled next for review are the Merck Manual and the Bill of Rights.

Focus Group Reveals: 95 Percent Of Americans Would Like To Go Home

NEW YORK—Extensive focus-group testing results released Monday by the marketing firm of Hayes, Loesser & Falk revealed that an overwhelming 95 percent of Americans are sick of being asked questions and would like to go home as soon as possible. "We were surprised by the results," Hayes, Loesser & Falk vice-president Thomas Mondrian said. "Our focus-group data, designed to capture a representative cross-section of the population, indicates that 19 out of 20 Americans never expected the testing to go on for this long and want us to finish the hell up and let them out of the office." Based upon the new information, Mondrian predicted a major shift in corporate advertising campaigns. "In the future," he said, "you're going to see a lot more products with slogans such as 'Chevrolet: You Can Leave Now' and 'Hormel Chili Is Done Asking You Questions.'"

Clinton Calls For Big Bucks, No Whammys

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton echoed the hopes of a nation in his weekly radio address Sunday, calling for big bucks and no whammys in the U.S. economy. "No whammys, no whammys," Clinton repeated, referring to the mischievous red gremlins who periodically plague the nation's economy, removing all cash reserves from the Federal Treasury. "Give me those big bucks!" Clinton added that while steady, job-based economic growth is what the nation needs most, winning the trip to the Cayman Islands would also be a positive step. Some in Washington, however, criticized Clinton's approach. "The economy is unstable enough as it is," said U.S. Sen. Al D'Amato (R-NY). "The president is truly pressing his luck on this one.

Tell Me Now If You Don't Want To See My Penis

Listen, it's obvious we're having a problem in the communications department. In the future, you've got to tell me what it is you want right away, because otherwise I've got no way of knowing that you don't want to see my penis. I'm a pretty sharp guy, but you can't expect me to know how you're feeling all the time. Unless you tell me, I'm going to just assume that you want to see my penis.

The FDR Memorial

The new Franklin Delano Roosevelt Memorial, dedicated last Friday in Washington, D.C., has come under fire for not depicting him in a wheelchair. What do you think?

Ask A Humorous Cartoon Cat

Petey Paws is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Humorous Cartoon Cat, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

New Bar To Feature 'Sports' Theme

PITTSBURGH—Area entrepreneur Andrew Wallensky is keeping his fingers crossed after Monday's opening of "Bleachers," a bold new bar centered around the highly conceptual theme of sports. Decorated with helmets, posters and pennants of such Pittsburgh-area teams as the Penguins, Pirates and Steelers, the new bar is designed to attract those who might enjoy drinking and socializing in an atmosphere infused with the spirit of professional athletics. "What I've tried to do here is merge the fields of drinking and sports in a single place, a 'sports-bar,' if you will," Wallensky said. "My future is in God's hands now." For hours after the bar opened, beer-bellied sports fans could be seen tentatively peering into the windows of the strange new establishment, though none were brave enough to step inside.
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Rogue Smorgasbord Sates Seven

ASHEVILLE, NC—A rogue smorgasbord ran rampant through the streets of Asheville Monday, eluding police and restauranteurs for over nine hours and sating the appetites of at least seven area residents caught in its path.

Despite the containment efforts of Country Pantry Buffet employees, this fresh, fully loaded smorgasbord went "rogue" Monday, running through city streets and leaving seven hospitalized in "absolutely stuffed" condition.

The smorgasbord, a 20-foot-long buffet table with heated steam trays and dual left/right sneeze guards, was the property of Country Pantry Buffet, and was described by police as "overflowing with a wide array of luncheon meats, casseroles and hot vegetable dishes, as well as salads."

The smorgasbord had no previous history of any of the psychological disorders generally present in buffets most likely to, as food-service criminologists put it, "go rogue."

"Out of the blue, it just snapped," said Susan Matthews, 16, a high-school student working part-time at Country Pantry Buffet as a cashier/hostess. "I had just stirred the mashed potatoes, which we have to do hourly to keep them looking fresh and presentable, when I heard the squeaking sound of its little wheeled leg bases inching across the tile floor. I pulled the alarm, but it was too late. Before the building could be sealed, it had hit the swinging double doors of the loading dock at full speed. It was gone before I could rinse off my special sanitary plastic gloves."

Moving quickly through the city's alleyways and avoiding main thoroughfares, the smorgasbord managed to stay out of sight for several hours. A trail of spilled cream corn and chick peas, however, enabled restaurant personnel to track it downtown, where it had taken refuge in a ladies' restroom.

It was not until a federal restaurant-response team attempted to subdue the table that tragedy struck. "The smorgasbord was cornered, confused and frightened, and it went ballistic when it saw the nets," buffet wrangler Ben Jordan said. "One minute, it was cowering near the mop closet. The next, I was splashed with hot gravy and gorged with a delicious combination roast beef/turkey platter. It roared past us with a clang of fury I'd never heard before, banging its little tins against their lids and leaving a trail of iceberg lettuce and cottage cheese in its wake."

Jordan is currently recuperating at the Digestive Intensive Care ward of Asheville City General, along with fellow smorgasbord wrangler Bryan Unger, who had 15 pounds of hard rolls surgically removed from his abdomen.

According to police, the desperate table then cut across town, sating several more innocent bystanders caught in the crossfire. The police have not released a list of the victims' names as of press time, but did report that at least seven people have been hospitalized and are listed as "full." A hospital spokesperson said that these victims may not eat for hours, possibly days.

Police officer Heidi Williams finally stopped the table's berserk flight by pumping one of its legs with tranquilizer darts fired from a low-flying helicopter. "When I got my rifle sights on it, the buffet had already sated seven people," Williams said, "but it still had plenty of ammo left—okra, chicken fingers, minestrone soup, potato salad, deviled eggs, rice pudding, you name it. One look at that selection, and I knew I had to stop it."

After being taken into custody and interrogated, the police unanimously decided to put the smorgasbord to sleep.

"Look, we all like the idea of an all-you-can-eat, pre-prepared food supply available at family or group rates. After all, we're only human," Williams said. "But if I hadn't stopped that thing, it could easily have sated a dozen more innocents. That much food in one place is just a gastronomic disaster waiting to happen."

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