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Role Of Tree Ineptly Played By Second-Grader

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Role Of Tree Ineptly Played By Second-Grader

POPLAR BLUFF, MO–Critics savaged Monday's underwhelming stage debut of second-grader Kimberly Bauer, who "fumbled and stumbled her way" through the role of the Happy Little Pine Tree in Mrs. Shore's class production of Our Forest Friends. "What is supposed to be an eloquently simple role was bludgeoned into the ground by Ms. Bauer's ham-fisted delivery and clunky sense of timing," said Poplar Bluff Gazette theater critic Meredith Woodson. "One might have leaned her cardboard-cutout tree costume against the wall for a superior display of thespianism."

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