Role Of Tree Ineptly Played By Second-Grader

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Vol 37 Issue 13

Bruce Vilanch Sodomized By Homosexual

HOLLYWOOD, CA–In an act "so heinous, it defies the imagination," famed awards-show joke writer and Hollywood Squares regular Bruce Vilanch was sodomized by an unnamed homosexual Monday. Authorities are still at a loss as to what could have motivated the homosexual–whom Vilanch met at a dinner party before accompanying him home–to commit the act. "How could anyone do such a thing?" asked Vilanch's distraught Hollywood Squares co-star Whoopi Goldberg. "What sort of inhuman monster could bring himself to do this?" Vilanch, who described himself as "perfectly fabulous" following the incident, told reporters: "I felt like Monica Lewinsky... at a cigar store!

Report: Clinton Accepted Rebate While In Office Depot

WASHINGTON, DC–According to a report in Monday's Washington Post, on Jan. 14, Bill Clinton accepted a $60 rebate on an O'Sullivan office workcenter while in Office Depot. "In his final days as president, Mr. Clinton knowingly took money as an enticement to purchase a $300 desk, leveraging his status as a valued customer of Office Depot for personal gain," the report stated. "The sales associate who orchestrated the deal, Marc Ryback, has a history of dealings with the president dating back to a November 1995 photocopier-for-cash exchange." Said a spokesman for the former president: "Mr. Clinton regrets any wrongdoing that may have occurred."

The U.S.-China Standoff

Last week, China detained 24 Navy officers after their spy plane collided with a Chinese jet. What do you think about the escalating tensions between the two nations?

Ask The Voice-Over From The Dukes Of Hazzard

The Voice-Over From The Dukes Of Hazzard is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask The Voice-Over From The Dukes Of Hazzard, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

Nation Awaits Word On Today's Slam Dunks

BRISTOL, CT–As of press time, an anxious nation continues to wait for word on today's NBA slam dunks. "The moment we have any information on any dunks, we will pass it along to the American people," said Dan Patrick, speaking from ESPN's Bristol headquarters. "We do know that the Mavs and Hornets tip off at 3 p.m. EST, so hopefully sometime shortly after that, we'll know more." Patrick urged citizens to stay close to their televisions for the latest developments.
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Role Of Tree Ineptly Played By Second-Grader

POPLAR BLUFF, MO–Critics savaged Monday's underwhelming stage debut of second-grader Kimberly Bauer, who "fumbled and stumbled her way" through the role of the Happy Little Pine Tree in Mrs. Shore's class production of Our Forest Friends. "What is supposed to be an eloquently simple role was bludgeoned into the ground by Ms. Bauer's ham-fisted delivery and clunky sense of timing," said Poplar Bluff Gazette theater critic Meredith Woodson. "One might have leaned her cardboard-cutout tree costume against the wall for a superior display of thespianism."

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