adBlockCheck

Roller Coaster Designer’s Artistic Vision Sullied By Fantastic Four Tie-In

Top Headlines

Recent News

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Roller Coaster Designer’s Artistic Vision Sullied By Fantastic Four Tie-In

GURNEE, IL—Insisting that every ounce of integrity had been removed from his creation, roller coaster designer Jonathan Leeman told reporters Friday that Six Flags Great America’s egregious incorporation of the Fantastic Four into his ride had completely sullied his artistic vision. “I didn’t spend a year crafting each corkscrew, hammerhead turn, and dive loop of this ride to have it tarnished with a blue-and-silver color scheme and cars painted to vaguely resemble Mister Fantastic and Doctor Doom,” said Leeman, shaking his head and remarking that, had he known it was going to have a 20-foot-tall number 4 mounted to the side of it, he never would have added a 17-story lift hill. “This ride was supposed to be purely about the thrills, the choreographed push and pull of G-forces, but look at it now: a garish mishmash of steel, comic book art, and speakers that endlessly blare The Thing’s awful roar. It’s a hideous perversion of what it once stood for.” At press time, Leeman was reportedly relieved to learn that his newest idea for an inverted coaster would, in contrast, be subtly complemented and enhanced by several tasteful likenesses of Yosemite Sam.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close