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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Roller Coaster Designer’s Artistic Vision Sullied By Fantastic Four Tie-In

GURNEE, IL—Insisting that every ounce of integrity had been removed from his creation, roller coaster designer Jonathan Leeman told reporters Friday that Six Flags Great America’s egregious incorporation of the Fantastic Four into his ride had completely sullied his artistic vision. “I didn’t spend a year crafting each corkscrew, hammerhead turn, and dive loop of this ride to have it tarnished with a blue-and-silver color scheme and cars painted to vaguely resemble Mister Fantastic and Doctor Doom,” said Leeman, shaking his head and remarking that, had he known it was going to have a 20-foot-tall number 4 mounted to the side of it, he never would have added a 17-story lift hill. “This ride was supposed to be purely about the thrills, the choreographed push and pull of G-forces, but look at it now: a garish mishmash of steel, comic book art, and speakers that endlessly blare The Thing’s awful roar. It’s a hideous perversion of what it once stood for.” At press time, Leeman was reportedly relieved to learn that his newest idea for an inverted coaster would, in contrast, be subtly complemented and enhanced by several tasteful likenesses of Yosemite Sam.

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