Roman Centurion Crawling Out Of New York City Manhole In For One Wacky Adventure

Top Headlines

Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Fantasy Sports

Roman Centurion Crawling Out Of New York City Manhole In For One Wacky Adventure

In just one of the many nutty scenarios set to befall him, the Roman centurion knelt and prayed before the large bronze Atlas statue outside Rockefeller Center.
In just one of the many nutty scenarios set to befall him, the Roman centurion knelt and prayed before the large bronze Atlas statue outside Rockefeller Center.

NEW YORK—Standing mystified in a crowded intersection, Verus Attius Glabrio, a Roman centurion who emerged from a manhole in the middle of New York’s Time Square, is in for a wacky adventure, sources confirmed Wednesday.

Reports stated that Glabrio, a highly decorated military officer from 55 A.D., crawled out of the sewer opening at approximately 8:35 p.m. clad in full Roman Imperial battle armor, immediately causing motorists to swerve, slam on their brakes, scream vulgar remarks, and make obscene hand gestures in his direction.

“Halt, yellow beast!” said Glabrio, drawing his sword and advancing toward a honking taxi cab that skidded to a stop as angry drivers and stunned passersby urged the Roman centurion to “Get the hell outta the road” and “Go back to Little Italy, Julius!” “You shan’t pass this way, lest you decide to face me. And let me warn you, you great golden demon, I’m certainly not a foe you want to face today!”

“But lo, what is this behemoth?” added Glabrio, appearing visibly panicked upon sighting an approaching tractor trailer. “It is the son of Jupiter himself!”

After finding his way to the busy sidewalk, the centurion, who mere moments earlier hit his head against a rock during intense hand-to-hand combat against a rival Corsican general, reportedly stared up dumbfounded at the flashing neon lights and video billboards. Sources stated that the Roman soldier then recoiled in fear as stock numbers scrolled across the lighted NASDAQ ticker, causing him to raise his shield and cry out, “Beware, some manner of numeral serpent comes this way!”

According to eyewitness accounts, the Roman soldier spent the next several minutes asking uncooperative passersby for directions to Corsica, stressing that he needed to return to finish the great war and secure victory for the Empire. Despite his best efforts, however, Glabrio reportedly garnered little attention from anyone aside from a family of tourists who posed for a photo with the baffled Roman infantry commander in front of M&M’s World, and an 8-year-old boy who looked up, mouth agape, from the Spartan-themed comic book he was reading.

Several reports indicated that pedestrians gave a wide berth to the sword-wielding Roman centurion and made exasperated remarks such as “Oh great, another weirdo” and “Only in New York.”

“Will someone—anyone—assist me in my journey?” said Glabrio, grabbing at various pedestrians wearing headphones and pushing baby strollers, every one of whom shrunk away from him or told him to “buzz off” as they played their brief roles in the soldier’s unpredictable and zany narrative. “Come now, citizens of this strange land! I have two denarii for anyone willing to assist me!”

“If you cannot accompany me, won’t someone at least tell me where I may find this man—surely he must be your leader,” Glabrio then added, gesturing to a giant billboard ad featuring an image of Puff Daddy.

After he was seen very tentatively stepping into a subway train, the centurion was reportedly later spotted at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, growing wide-eyed upon glimpsing the marble busts of political figures he claimed to know personally while passing through the museum’s Greek and Roman Art exhibit. According to sources, Glabrio became involved in a heated altercation with two security guards after he attempted to pick up several of the “clearly looted imperial riches” and vowed to return them to Rome.

The situation, onlookers told reporters, was defused when Rebecca Huntley, a meek doctoral student of European history who would unwittingly find her own life turned upside down by this unusual yet strangely attractive man, intervened on the Roman centurion’s behalf, explaining that he was not from around here and discouraging museum workers from calling the police.

“Please, my lady, surely you can be of service—my men need my aid,” said Glabrio, talking to the taken-aback but also captivated young woman, who according to reports will attempt to help the centurion fit into his new surroundings by dressing him in her ex-fiancé’s undersized tuxedo for an upcoming cocktail party. “If you don’t know the way to Corsica then just usher me to the Imperial Stables where I may find a steed and you can be on your way.”

“Wait, step back, my lady, I will protect you!” Glabrio then shouted before leaping and tackling a life-size statue of a lion.

The Roman centurion and Huntley reportedly spent the rest of the evening bonding over several slices of pizza, a glass of wine Glabrio tossed back in one deep gulp, and an awkward but endearing hour of recreational ice skating. Sources confirmed that the night concluded with the pair discussing the breathtaking views of the Adriatic Ocean from the cliffs of Polignano a Mare in Italy, where, in a coincidental twist of fate, the young woman spent time studying abroad and Glabrio was born and raised.

At press time, sources confirmed that Glabrio was completely clueless to the fact that his rival general from Corsica as well as several of his foe’s underlings were at that very moment beginning to awaken in the middle of Central Park.