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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Romeo Crennel To Charlie Weis: 'I Need You To Come Over Right Now And Stop Me From Eating These Five Chocolate Wedding Cakes'

CLEVELAND—According to telephone transcripts and voicemail recordings, panicked Cleveland Browns head coach Romeo Crennel called former colleague, current Notre Dame coach, and Overeaters Anonymous sponsor Charlie Weis Tuesday, pleading for Weis to come to his house and stop him from eating five multi-tiered chocolate wedding cakes. "Charlie? Charlie, I... I have a fork in one hand a big jug of milk in the other. I've already eaten the mocha-hazelnut bride and groom figurines. Oh, God, Charlie," said Crennel, who went on to add that when he originally purchased the wedding cakes, he told himself he merely wanted "the comfort of knowing they were close by." "If you don't get here soon, all of it is going to be gone, and I'll have failed again... Oh. Oh, my, it's Dutch choc- [inaudible]." Upon arriving, Weis reportedly found Crennel lying on his kitchen floor in a pool of melted confectionery, deep in diabetic shock, with a rictus of mingled pleasure and self-disgust frozen on his chocolate-covered face.

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