adBlockCheck

Sports

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Romeo Crennel To Charlie Weis: 'I Need You To Come Over Right Now And Stop Me From Eating These Five Chocolate Wedding Cakes'

CLEVELAND—According to telephone transcripts and voicemail recordings, panicked Cleveland Browns head coach Romeo Crennel called former colleague, current Notre Dame coach, and Overeaters Anonymous sponsor Charlie Weis Tuesday, pleading for Weis to come to his house and stop him from eating five multi-tiered chocolate wedding cakes. "Charlie? Charlie, I... I have a fork in one hand a big jug of milk in the other. I've already eaten the mocha-hazelnut bride and groom figurines. Oh, God, Charlie," said Crennel, who went on to add that when he originally purchased the wedding cakes, he told himself he merely wanted "the comfort of knowing they were close by." "If you don't get here soon, all of it is going to be gone, and I'll have failed again... Oh. Oh, my, it's Dutch choc- [inaudible]." Upon arriving, Weis reportedly found Crennel lying on his kitchen floor in a pool of melted confectionery, deep in diabetic shock, with a rictus of mingled pleasure and self-disgust frozen on his chocolate-covered face.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close