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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Romney Appeals To Hispanic Voters For Return Of Watch He Left On Dresser

MIAMI—At a hastily assembled press conference Tuesday, presidential candidate Mitt Romney reached out to the nation's Hispanics, asking if they would please return the watch he had left on his dresser earlier. "As I stand before you today, I wish to issue an appeal to my Hispanic friends all across this great land of ours: Please do the right thing and give me back my property," said Romney, adding that while he didn't want to accuse the nation's 21.7 million registered Hispanic voters of stealing the watch, he was certain that no one in his family stole it, and that watches don't just walk off by themselves. "I pledge to every single Hispanic-American—whether you came here from Mexico to start a new life for your family or fled the brutality of Castro's Cuba—that if my watch is put back in its rightful place in the next two hours, I will consider the matter closed and no one will be the wiser." With the watch still not returned at press time, Romney begged the nation's Hispanics, "Please don't make me call the—how do you say it? El policío? La policía? The appropriate authorities."

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