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Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Romney Camp Retooling Campaign After Latest Setback

BOSTON—Calling it “a small bump in the road,” sources within Romney headquarters announced plans Wednesday to readjust their campaign strategy following their candidate’s loss of the 2012 presidential election to Barack Obama.

“Obviously the defeat yesterday was tough, but we’re confident we can get right back on track and win this thing in the end,” said Romney campaign manager Matt Rhoades, adding that the GOP candidate “won’t be giving up just because of one bad day.” “The country simply can’t survive another four years of President Obama’s failed policies and broken promises. We just have to regroup, reconfigure a few things, and continue spreading our message to the American people that the man to lead this country forward is Mitt Romney.”

“We’re in this for the long haul,” Rhoades continued. “So we’re not going to let something minor, like not getting enough votes in the electoral college, set us back.”

According to sources, Romney plans to run fresh attack ads next week in several of the swing states he lost, including Ohio, Iowa, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania, and his campaign has already scheduled additional rallies and fundraising dinners across the country.

The Romney team will also reportedly launch a comprehensive social media campaign aimed at engaging voters under the age of 30, and will continue targeting female and minority voters—key demographic groups the candidate struggled to win over before they cast their ballots on Tuesday.

“Regardless of what the numbers said last night, we meet thousands of people every day who are sick and tired of the direction the country is headed in under the Obama administration,” Rhoades said. “So we’re planning to ramp up our efforts and get back out there, because this isn’t over yet. I honestly think we have a shot at Pennsylvania.”

Rhoades confirmed that while the campaign’s message will remain the same, Romney will now take a more aggressive approach as he reaches out to Americans who voted for Obama in the presidential election, namely by promoting the specifics of his five-point plan for strengthening the economy and creating jobs.

In addition, Rhoades stressed that despite yesterday’s “small disappointment,” everyone in the Romney camp is optimistic that the former Massachusetts governor can once again regain momentum and win the White House.

“The presidential race is a marathon, not a sprint,” Rhoades said. “That whole 47 percent thing was a bit of a blow, but we still managed to come back strong afterward. Sure, we may have lost some ground in the past 24 hours, on Election Day, but there are many more days to come. When all is said and done, we know Mitt will come out on top.”

“As far as we’re concerned,” Rhoades added, “this thing is still wide open.”

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