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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Romney Camp Retooling Campaign After Latest Setback

BOSTON—Calling it “a small bump in the road,” sources within Romney headquarters announced plans Wednesday to readjust their campaign strategy following their candidate’s loss of the 2012 presidential election to Barack Obama.

“Obviously the defeat yesterday was tough, but we’re confident we can get right back on track and win this thing in the end,” said Romney campaign manager Matt Rhoades, adding that the GOP candidate “won’t be giving up just because of one bad day.” “The country simply can’t survive another four years of President Obama’s failed policies and broken promises. We just have to regroup, reconfigure a few things, and continue spreading our message to the American people that the man to lead this country forward is Mitt Romney.”

“We’re in this for the long haul,” Rhoades continued. “So we’re not going to let something minor, like not getting enough votes in the electoral college, set us back.”

According to sources, Romney plans to run fresh attack ads next week in several of the swing states he lost, including Ohio, Iowa, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania, and his campaign has already scheduled additional rallies and fundraising dinners across the country.

The Romney team will also reportedly launch a comprehensive social media campaign aimed at engaging voters under the age of 30, and will continue targeting female and minority voters—key demographic groups the candidate struggled to win over before they cast their ballots on Tuesday.

“Regardless of what the numbers said last night, we meet thousands of people every day who are sick and tired of the direction the country is headed in under the Obama administration,” Rhoades said. “So we’re planning to ramp up our efforts and get back out there, because this isn’t over yet. I honestly think we have a shot at Pennsylvania.”

Rhoades confirmed that while the campaign’s message will remain the same, Romney will now take a more aggressive approach as he reaches out to Americans who voted for Obama in the presidential election, namely by promoting the specifics of his five-point plan for strengthening the economy and creating jobs.

In addition, Rhoades stressed that despite yesterday’s “small disappointment,” everyone in the Romney camp is optimistic that the former Massachusetts governor can once again regain momentum and win the White House.

“The presidential race is a marathon, not a sprint,” Rhoades said. “That whole 47 percent thing was a bit of a blow, but we still managed to come back strong afterward. Sure, we may have lost some ground in the past 24 hours, on Election Day, but there are many more days to come. When all is said and done, we know Mitt will come out on top.”

“As far as we’re concerned,” Rhoades added, “this thing is still wide open.”

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