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Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Romney Camp Retooling Campaign After Latest Setback

BOSTON—Calling it “a small bump in the road,” sources within Romney headquarters announced plans Wednesday to readjust their campaign strategy following their candidate’s loss of the 2012 presidential election to Barack Obama.

“Obviously the defeat yesterday was tough, but we’re confident we can get right back on track and win this thing in the end,” said Romney campaign manager Matt Rhoades, adding that the GOP candidate “won’t be giving up just because of one bad day.” “The country simply can’t survive another four years of President Obama’s failed policies and broken promises. We just have to regroup, reconfigure a few things, and continue spreading our message to the American people that the man to lead this country forward is Mitt Romney.”

“We’re in this for the long haul,” Rhoades continued. “So we’re not going to let something minor, like not getting enough votes in the electoral college, set us back.”

According to sources, Romney plans to run fresh attack ads next week in several of the swing states he lost, including Ohio, Iowa, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania, and his campaign has already scheduled additional rallies and fundraising dinners across the country.

The Romney team will also reportedly launch a comprehensive social media campaign aimed at engaging voters under the age of 30, and will continue targeting female and minority voters—key demographic groups the candidate struggled to win over before they cast their ballots on Tuesday.

“Regardless of what the numbers said last night, we meet thousands of people every day who are sick and tired of the direction the country is headed in under the Obama administration,” Rhoades said. “So we’re planning to ramp up our efforts and get back out there, because this isn’t over yet. I honestly think we have a shot at Pennsylvania.”

Rhoades confirmed that while the campaign’s message will remain the same, Romney will now take a more aggressive approach as he reaches out to Americans who voted for Obama in the presidential election, namely by promoting the specifics of his five-point plan for strengthening the economy and creating jobs.

In addition, Rhoades stressed that despite yesterday’s “small disappointment,” everyone in the Romney camp is optimistic that the former Massachusetts governor can once again regain momentum and win the White House.

“The presidential race is a marathon, not a sprint,” Rhoades said. “That whole 47 percent thing was a bit of a blow, but we still managed to come back strong afterward. Sure, we may have lost some ground in the past 24 hours, on Election Day, but there are many more days to come. When all is said and done, we know Mitt will come out on top.”

“As far as we’re concerned,” Rhoades added, “this thing is still wide open.”

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