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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Romney Campaign Reboots For 72nd Consecutive Week

BOSTON—Saying it was time to get back to basics and “start fresh,” top-level sources at Romney 2012 headquarters announced plans to reboot and reenergize the campaign for the 72nd consecutive week Monday. “We’re looking forward to wiping the slate clean, getting back out there among voters, and showing Americans who Mitt really is and how his policies will work for them,” said communications director Gail Gitcho, stating that the campaign had hit the “reset button” and citizens could look forward to getting to know “the real Mitt” over the next several days, a statement she has made every week since May 2011. “It’s important that we pivot back to Gov. Romney’s central message of economic opportunity for all Americans and just let Mitt be Mitt. I think voters will really like what they hear.” At press time, Romney staffers are already prepping for next week’s campaign reboot after remarks the Republican candidate just uttered at a voter rally in Pueblo, CO.

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