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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Romney Campaign Reboots For 72nd Consecutive Week

BOSTON—Saying it was time to get back to basics and “start fresh,” top-level sources at Romney 2012 headquarters announced plans to reboot and reenergize the campaign for the 72nd consecutive week Monday. “We’re looking forward to wiping the slate clean, getting back out there among voters, and showing Americans who Mitt really is and how his policies will work for them,” said communications director Gail Gitcho, stating that the campaign had hit the “reset button” and citizens could look forward to getting to know “the real Mitt” over the next several days, a statement she has made every week since May 2011. “It’s important that we pivot back to Gov. Romney’s central message of economic opportunity for all Americans and just let Mitt be Mitt. I think voters will really like what they hear.” At press time, Romney staffers are already prepping for next week’s campaign reboot after remarks the Republican candidate just uttered at a voter rally in Pueblo, CO.

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