adBlockCheck

Politics

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
End Of Section
  • More News

Romney Campaign Sends In Champion Of The Poor Paul Ryan For Damage Control

The poor and dowtrodden’s lone symbol of hope, Paul Ryan.
The poor and dowtrodden’s lone symbol of hope, Paul Ryan.

BOSTON—Following the widespread controversy over Mitt Romney’s recently leaked comments criticizing Americans who depend on the government, Republican vice presidential candidate and widely beloved champion of the poor Paul Ryan was quickly called in Tuesday to bolster the Romney campaign.

“We’ve obviously been set back a bit, but thankfully we have the perfect guy to the right the ship and win over the nation’s lower class,” said campaign manager Matt Rhoades, adding that Ryan was the first person he thought to call when the video of Romney’s candid discussions with ultra-rich donors emerged yesterday. “Even if we take a hit among lower-income voters in the polls for a day or two, Congressman Ryan will, amazingly enough, win them back to our side, just like he always does.”

“I’ve never seen anything quite like it,” Rhoades continued. “Poor people just love him.”

According to sources, Romney’s advisers have dispatched the modern-day Robin Hood to speak to voters in the most economically downtrodden regions of the country, where thousands of working-class Americans are already lining up outside the venues of Ryan’s upcoming rallies to don T-shirts and wave handmade signs in support of the selfless guardian of the poverty-stricken.

“Paul Ryan sticks up for us when no one else will, everyone knows that,” said 49-year-old unemployed construction worker Vernon Fletcher, calling Ryan a true beacon of hope for the nation’s impoverished. “He’s in it to the last round, fighting tooth and nail for every struggling, blue-collar man and woman in America. He’s done it time and time again, and he’s done it again today.”

“Obviously, I have my reservations about Romney, especially after he basically labeled me as a government-dependent freeloader,” Fletcher continued. “But Paul Ryan—that guy definitely has our back.”

Across the country, millions of the nation’s poorest citizens were reportedly elated at the sight of the celebrated scourge of privilege and greed emerging to once more take up their cause, inspiring the needy with his words of comfort and support and his famously common touch.

“Here he comes!” screamed receptionist and single mother-of-two Ellen McGrath, 34, gathering her young children around the small television in their one-bedroom apartment to watch the latest speech from the tireless hero of the downtrodden. “It’s such a relief knowing there’s someone in Washington who actually cares about us and watches out for our interests.”

“I don’t know what we’d do without him,” added McGrath, her eyes welling with tears. “And we need him now more than ever.”

At press time, sources confirmed that, following a recent speech from Ryan, Mitt Romney’s poll numbers had shot up 80 percent among voters making less than $25,000 per year.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close