Romney Campaign Sends In Champion Of The Poor Paul Ryan For Damage Control

Top Headlines


Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Trump Complains Entire Personality Rigged Against Him

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Responding to his flagging poll numbers and a string of newspaper editorials and cable news pundits questioning his fitness to lead, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly complained to a rally crowd Thursday that for the entirety of this race, his personality has been rigged against him.

Fact-Checking The Second Presidential Debate

Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump discussed topics including national security, taxes, and their ongoing personal scandals in a contentious town hall presidential debate Sunday. The Onion evaluates the truthfulness of their claims

Trump Vomits Immediately After Seeing Everyday Americans Up Close

ST. LOUIS—His face turning deathly pale and beads of cold sweat forming on his brow as he took his seat for the town hall forum at Washington University, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly vomited directly onto the debate stage Sunday night upon viewing everyday Americans up close.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Romney Campaign Sends In Champion Of The Poor Paul Ryan For Damage Control

The poor and dowtrodden’s lone symbol of hope, Paul Ryan.
The poor and dowtrodden’s lone symbol of hope, Paul Ryan.

BOSTON—Following the widespread controversy over Mitt Romney’s recently leaked comments criticizing Americans who depend on the government, Republican vice presidential candidate and widely beloved champion of the poor Paul Ryan was quickly called in Tuesday to bolster the Romney campaign.

“We’ve obviously been set back a bit, but thankfully we have the perfect guy to the right the ship and win over the nation’s lower class,” said campaign manager Matt Rhoades, adding that Ryan was the first person he thought to call when the video of Romney’s candid discussions with ultra-rich donors emerged yesterday. “Even if we take a hit among lower-income voters in the polls for a day or two, Congressman Ryan will, amazingly enough, win them back to our side, just like he always does.”

“I’ve never seen anything quite like it,” Rhoades continued. “Poor people just love him.”

According to sources, Romney’s advisers have dispatched the modern-day Robin Hood to speak to voters in the most economically downtrodden regions of the country, where thousands of working-class Americans are already lining up outside the venues of Ryan’s upcoming rallies to don T-shirts and wave handmade signs in support of the selfless guardian of the poverty-stricken.

“Paul Ryan sticks up for us when no one else will, everyone knows that,” said 49-year-old unemployed construction worker Vernon Fletcher, calling Ryan a true beacon of hope for the nation’s impoverished. “He’s in it to the last round, fighting tooth and nail for every struggling, blue-collar man and woman in America. He’s done it time and time again, and he’s done it again today.”

“Obviously, I have my reservations about Romney, especially after he basically labeled me as a government-dependent freeloader,” Fletcher continued. “But Paul Ryan—that guy definitely has our back.”

Across the country, millions of the nation’s poorest citizens were reportedly elated at the sight of the celebrated scourge of privilege and greed emerging to once more take up their cause, inspiring the needy with his words of comfort and support and his famously common touch.

“Here he comes!” screamed receptionist and single mother-of-two Ellen McGrath, 34, gathering her young children around the small television in their one-bedroom apartment to watch the latest speech from the tireless hero of the downtrodden. “It’s such a relief knowing there’s someone in Washington who actually cares about us and watches out for our interests.”

“I don’t know what we’d do without him,” added McGrath, her eyes welling with tears. “And we need him now more than ever.”

At press time, sources confirmed that, following a recent speech from Ryan, Mitt Romney’s poll numbers had shot up 80 percent among voters making less than $25,000 per year.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close