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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Romney Comes Clean, Admits He Made $32 Trillion In 2006

BOSTON—In an effort to make a full disclosure of his professional and financial records following discrepancies over his stewardship of Bain Capital, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney admitted Monday that in 2006 he personally made $32 trillion. "It has never been my intention to mislead anybody about my financial history, and so I think it's important for me to reveal that I made roughly $30 trillion dollars in 2006, with various contractual bonuses pushing that total closer to $32 trillion," Romney told an assembled press corps, adding that his 14-figure net income was accurately represented on his 2006 tax return. "I also made $28 trillion dollars in 2007. And another $32 trillion in 2008. The fact is, I am a trillionaire many, many times over, and I don't want anyone to think I haven't been completely honest and transparent about that." The former Massachusetts governor also took the opportunity to reveal that he is currently serving on the directorial boards of 483 Fortune 500 companies.

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