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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Romney Delivers Stern Warning To China, Speaking Directly Into The Camera In Fluent Mandarin

BOCA RATON, FL—After asserting during Monday’s foreign policy debate that Americans needed a president who would “finally stand up to China,” Republican nominee Mitt Romney responded to a question on international trade by looking intently into the television camera and addressing Beijing’s leaders in their native language. “As president, I will crack down on China, and I’d like to make one thing clear to President Hu [Jintao] right now,” the candidate said before locking his gaze on the camera and issuing a stern set of remarks in perfectly accented Mandarin. 中国的领导  我毫不含糊地向你们肯定  当我做了总统  我 定会确保中国遵守国际贸易规则  你们国家长久以来用操纵汇率让你们自己的制造业受益  打击我们美国的制造业  这是不公平的  我的政府不会接受中国这样的行为  当我进白宫的第 天  我就会把中国列入 率操纵国 这是对你们的警告 Jabbing a finger at the camera as he concluded his statement, Romney held his firm, unbroken glare for several seconds before tersely ordering debate moderator Bob Schieffer to move on to the next question.

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