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Romney Delivers Stern Warning To China, Speaking Directly Into The Camera In Fluent Mandarin

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Romney Delivers Stern Warning To China, Speaking Directly Into The Camera In Fluent Mandarin

BOCA RATON, FL—After asserting during Monday’s foreign policy debate that Americans needed a president who would “finally stand up to China,” Republican nominee Mitt Romney responded to a question on international trade by looking intently into the television camera and addressing Beijing’s leaders in their native language. “As president, I will crack down on China, and I’d like to make one thing clear to President Hu [Jintao] right now,” the candidate said before locking his gaze on the camera and issuing a stern set of remarks in perfectly accented Mandarin. 中国的领导  我毫不含糊地向你们肯定  当我做了总统  我 定会确保中国遵守国际贸易规则  你们国家长久以来用操纵汇率让你们自己的制造业受益  打击我们美国的制造业  这是不公平的  我的政府不会接受中国这样的行为  当我进白宫的第 天  我就会把中国列入 率操纵国 这是对你们的警告 Jabbing a finger at the camera as he concluded his statement, Romney held his firm, unbroken glare for several seconds before tersely ordering debate moderator Bob Schieffer to move on to the next question.

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