adBlockCheck

Politics

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Romney During Victory Speech: ‘Man, This Is A Weak Field’

TAMPA, FL—Following a decisive win in tonight's Florida primary, presidential candidate Mitt Romney took a moment during his victory address to reflect on the current crop of Republicans vying for the party's nomination, telling the gathered crowd he "[had] to admit that, overall, it's a pretty weak field." "No question about it, you're looking at a bunch of duds," Romney said to his supporters, who grew silent as the former Massachusetts governor added that it was hard to imagine any of the GOP contenders, himself included, being president of the United States. "Republican voters have been dealt a crappy hand, and that's all there is to it. It's like the year the Democrats had Michael Dukakis and Gary Hart—maybe even worse. To be perfectly honest, our party's in a weird, transitional phase right now. We don't really know who we are, what we stand for, or what it is we're even trying to do. On the other hand, in 2016, we should be stacked: Paul Ryan, Chris Christie, Mitch Daniels. Lot of great options there. This year is garbage, though, and I sincerely apologize for that. Anyway, off to Nevada." Romney then exited the stage to zero applause, got into his car, and was driven to the airport.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close