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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

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WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Romney Foreign Policy Debate Prep In Crisis Mode After Discovering Existence Of Country Called 'Womania'

Womania joined the United Nations in 1954.
Womania joined the United Nations in 1954.

BOCA RATON, FL—Sources within the Romney campaign said the candidate’s preparation for tonight’s foreign policy debate with President Barack Obama went into crisis mode this morning after aides discovered the existence of the Eastern European nation of Womania.

Womania, a country with a 100 percent female population that is governed entirely by women and guarantees all its citizens equal pay for equal work, reportedly first came to the attention of the Romney camp early Monday, sending advisers into a frenzy as they scrambled to devise answers to questions the Republican nominee will almost certainly be asked about the world’s leading matriarchal democracy.

“While Gov. Romney is fully versed in foreign policy, from Iran’s nuclear program to Chinese-American diplomacy, our sudden awareness of issues important to Womania has thrown our strategy for tonight’s debate into disarray,” said campaign senior adviser Dan Senor, noting that staffers were struggling to create talking points that reconcile their candidate’s views with Womania’s overwhelming support for reproductive rights and equal opportunity for women. “Right now we are attempting to find some way—any way—to show voters that Mitt Romney has the experience necessary to maintain healthy relations with Womania.”

Formed after World War I and the dissolution of the Not-a-man Empire, the internationally recognized independent state of Womania has from its earliest days upheld universal suffrage and unrestricted access to birth control, and is celebrated worldwide for its empowerment of all its citizens—from those living in the wealthiest areas of the Womanian capital, Feminopolis, to the poorest working mothers inhabiting the nation’s countryside.

With America’s top all-female ally likely to play a crucial role in tonight’s debate, members of Romney’s staff appeared on television today to argue that the GOP nominee was the candidate best equipped to oversee the U.S.-Womanian partnership.

“Tonight, Gov. Romney will let the world know how much he cares about Womanians and their sacred role as child-rearers,” Romney adviser Jim Talent said. “He wants them to know that the United States greatly values the work they do in their homes and will provide them with the support they need.”

Added Talent, “We want to show the citizens of Womania that they can always depend on us.”

Womanian diplomats, however, noted that Romney will have to impress them significantly in order to win over their support.

“Unfortunately, Mr. Romney’s stances on women’s health issues and the Equal Rights Amendment are greatly at odds with our own,” said Jennifer Petrowski, Womanian ambassador to the United States. “And should he follow through on his promise to deny federal funds to international nonprofits that provide abortions, he will jeopardize the relationship between America and Womania.”

Continued Petrowski, “These issues are also important to our key allies Gaylasia, Immigrantistan, and the Democratic Republic of Gun Control.”

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