adBlockCheck

Romney Foreign Policy Debate Prep In Crisis Mode After Discovering Existence Of Country Called 'Womania'

Top Headlines

Politics

Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Romney Foreign Policy Debate Prep In Crisis Mode After Discovering Existence Of Country Called 'Womania'

Womania joined the United Nations in 1954.
Womania joined the United Nations in 1954.

BOCA RATON, FL—Sources within the Romney campaign said the candidate’s preparation for tonight’s foreign policy debate with President Barack Obama went into crisis mode this morning after aides discovered the existence of the Eastern European nation of Womania.

Womania, a country with a 100 percent female population that is governed entirely by women and guarantees all its citizens equal pay for equal work, reportedly first came to the attention of the Romney camp early Monday, sending advisers into a frenzy as they scrambled to devise answers to questions the Republican nominee will almost certainly be asked about the world’s leading matriarchal democracy.

“While Gov. Romney is fully versed in foreign policy, from Iran’s nuclear program to Chinese-American diplomacy, our sudden awareness of issues important to Womania has thrown our strategy for tonight’s debate into disarray,” said campaign senior adviser Dan Senor, noting that staffers were struggling to create talking points that reconcile their candidate’s views with Womania’s overwhelming support for reproductive rights and equal opportunity for women. “Right now we are attempting to find some way—any way—to show voters that Mitt Romney has the experience necessary to maintain healthy relations with Womania.”

Formed after World War I and the dissolution of the Not-a-man Empire, the internationally recognized independent state of Womania has from its earliest days upheld universal suffrage and unrestricted access to birth control, and is celebrated worldwide for its empowerment of all its citizens—from those living in the wealthiest areas of the Womanian capital, Feminopolis, to the poorest working mothers inhabiting the nation’s countryside.

With America’s top all-female ally likely to play a crucial role in tonight’s debate, members of Romney’s staff appeared on television today to argue that the GOP nominee was the candidate best equipped to oversee the U.S.-Womanian partnership.

“Tonight, Gov. Romney will let the world know how much he cares about Womanians and their sacred role as child-rearers,” Romney adviser Jim Talent said. “He wants them to know that the United States greatly values the work they do in their homes and will provide them with the support they need.”

Added Talent, “We want to show the citizens of Womania that they can always depend on us.”

Womanian diplomats, however, noted that Romney will have to impress them significantly in order to win over their support.

“Unfortunately, Mr. Romney’s stances on women’s health issues and the Equal Rights Amendment are greatly at odds with our own,” said Jennifer Petrowski, Womanian ambassador to the United States. “And should he follow through on his promise to deny federal funds to international nonprofits that provide abortions, he will jeopardize the relationship between America and Womania.”

Continued Petrowski, “These issues are also important to our key allies Gaylasia, Immigrantistan, and the Democratic Republic of Gun Control.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close