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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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Romney Frantically Figuring Out How Tax Plan Could Actually Work After Realizing He Might Win Election

LEXINGTON, VA—Reacting to news Monday that his performance in last week’s domestic policy debate had significantly boosted his poll numbers and put him closer to the White House than ever before, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney reportedly spent the afternoon frantically trying to figure how the tax plan he has proposed could actually work. “Okay, now, think—there’s got to be a way we can make these numbers add up, there’s just gotta be,” a profusely sweating Romney reportedly told his advisers while furiously calculating how in the world he could institute an across-the-board 20 percent cut in the marginal tax rate while balancing the federal budget within a decade and giving the Pentagon $2 trillion it hasn’t even requested. “So the plan states that I can afford to lower taxes for middle-class Americans by closing loopholes and deductions, but even if I cap taxable deductions at $17,000 per family like it says here, that doesn’t even come close to paying for the cost of the $5 trillion in tax breaks, does it? Shit. Who’s got a calculator?” At press time, a visibly agitated Romney was considering calling President Barack Obama to see if he had any advice for tightening up the plan.

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