adBlockCheck

Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Romney Makes Desperate, Last-Ditch Bid For Presidency

WASHINGTON—With hundreds of thousands of onlookers assembled on the National Mall to celebrate Monday's inauguration, defeated Republican candidate Mitt Romney reportedly rushed out onto the stage to make one last frantic bid for the presidency. "My fellow Americans, I come to you at this late hour to plead with you to reconsider my candidacy for president of this great nation," a panting Romney said as multiple Secret Service agents attempted to physically drag the former Massachusetts governor away from the podium. "Please, if you'll just give me a second chance—Wait! No! Get your hands off me! IdosolemnlyswearthatIwillfaithfn—" At press time, sources confirmed that a weeping Romney was repeating phrases from the first presidential debate to himself as authorities escorted him into a waiting police vehicle.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close