Romney Makes Desperate, Last-Ditch Bid For Presidency

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Vol 49 Issue 04

North Korea To Test New Nuclear Weapon

In response to recently imposed U.N. sanctions, North Korea vowed to conduct its third test of a nuclear weapon, warning of confrontation with its proclaimed “arch-enemy” the United States.

Study Exposes Risks Of Conducting Research While Driving

NASA continues its search for a planet capable of supporting NASA, Prince Harry announces that he killed some Taliban-looking people during his tour of duty, and a copy of 'The Scarlet Letter'' can't believe the notes a high schooler is writing in its mar...
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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Romney Makes Desperate, Last-Ditch Bid For Presidency

WASHINGTON—With hundreds of thousands of onlookers assembled on the National Mall to celebrate Monday's inauguration, defeated Republican candidate Mitt Romney reportedly rushed out onto the stage to make one last frantic bid for the presidency. "My fellow Americans, I come to you at this late hour to plead with you to reconsider my candidacy for president of this great nation," a panting Romney said as multiple Secret Service agents attempted to physically drag the former Massachusetts governor away from the podium. "Please, if you'll just give me a second chance—Wait! No! Get your hands off me! IdosolemnlyswearthatIwillfaithfn—" At press time, sources confirmed that a weeping Romney was repeating phrases from the first presidential debate to himself as authorities escorted him into a waiting police vehicle.

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