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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Romney Makes Desperate, Last-Ditch Bid For Presidency

WASHINGTON—With hundreds of thousands of onlookers assembled on the National Mall to celebrate Monday's inauguration, defeated Republican candidate Mitt Romney reportedly rushed out onto the stage to make one last frantic bid for the presidency. "My fellow Americans, I come to you at this late hour to plead with you to reconsider my candidacy for president of this great nation," a panting Romney said as multiple Secret Service agents attempted to physically drag the former Massachusetts governor away from the podium. "Please, if you'll just give me a second chance—Wait! No! Get your hands off me! IdosolemnlyswearthatIwillfaithfn—" At press time, sources confirmed that a weeping Romney was repeating phrases from the first presidential debate to himself as authorities escorted him into a waiting police vehicle.

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