adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
End Of Section
  • More News

Romney Pitches In To Repair Thousands Of Downed Romney-Ryan Lawn Signs

MANTOLOKING, NJ—Saying he had been deeply shaken by the extent of Hurricane Sandy’s destruction, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney visited the storm-battered mid-Atlantic coast Thursday to help victims repair and re-erect thousands of downed Romney-Ryan campaign signs. “I’ve toured up and down the coastline, and I can tell you that the level of damage to campaign signage is unimaginable,” said the visibly concerned candidate, wading through calf-high water and debris to place a tattered “Romney: Believe In America” sign back in the window of a flooded house. “The high winds and storm surge absolutely devastated the signs in their path, and sadly, a number were even washed out to sea. But my team and I will do everything we can to make sure these lawn signs receive the care they need and get back on their legs as soon as possible.” Staffers confirmed the GOP candidate had also donated 10,000 Romney-Ryan baseball caps to families left homeless by the storm.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close