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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Romney Pledges To Replace All Foreign Policy With Jobs Right Here In America

BOCA RATON, FL—During tonight’s presidential debate on international issues, Republican candidate Mitt Romney vowed to halt all of the Obama administration’s foreign policy measures and replace them with new jobs for American workers. “You see, we have all these diplomatic relationships with countries in Europe and Asia; my plan is to take all of that and convert it into more than 500,000 manufacturing jobs for out-of-work folks right here in Florida and across the nation,” said Romney, adding that eliminating high-level talks with China and Iran alone could help more than 3 million unemployed workers get the education they need to thrive in America’s new, foreign-policy-free economy. “Meanwhile, President Obama plans to keep foreign policy. He doesn’t understand that you can get rid of the diplomatic philosophy of a nation—all these doctrines that guide its interactions with state and nonstate actors—and reinvest it in America’s small businesses. That’s what grows the economy—not foreign policy.” When asked by moderator Bob Schieffer if the U.S. should intervene in the ongoing conflict in Syria, Romney promised to lower taxes and close loopholes in deductions.

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