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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Romney Pledges To Replace All Foreign Policy With Jobs Right Here In America

BOCA RATON, FL—During tonight’s presidential debate on international issues, Republican candidate Mitt Romney vowed to halt all of the Obama administration’s foreign policy measures and replace them with new jobs for American workers. “You see, we have all these diplomatic relationships with countries in Europe and Asia; my plan is to take all of that and convert it into more than 500,000 manufacturing jobs for out-of-work folks right here in Florida and across the nation,” said Romney, adding that eliminating high-level talks with China and Iran alone could help more than 3 million unemployed workers get the education they need to thrive in America’s new, foreign-policy-free economy. “Meanwhile, President Obama plans to keep foreign policy. He doesn’t understand that you can get rid of the diplomatic philosophy of a nation—all these doctrines that guide its interactions with state and nonstate actors—and reinvest it in America’s small businesses. That’s what grows the economy—not foreign policy.” When asked by moderator Bob Schieffer if the U.S. should intervene in the ongoing conflict in Syria, Romney promised to lower taxes and close loopholes in deductions.

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