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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Romney Pledges To Replace All Foreign Policy With Jobs Right Here In America

BOCA RATON, FL—During tonight’s presidential debate on international issues, Republican candidate Mitt Romney vowed to halt all of the Obama administration’s foreign policy measures and replace them with new jobs for American workers. “You see, we have all these diplomatic relationships with countries in Europe and Asia; my plan is to take all of that and convert it into more than 500,000 manufacturing jobs for out-of-work folks right here in Florida and across the nation,” said Romney, adding that eliminating high-level talks with China and Iran alone could help more than 3 million unemployed workers get the education they need to thrive in America’s new, foreign-policy-free economy. “Meanwhile, President Obama plans to keep foreign policy. He doesn’t understand that you can get rid of the diplomatic philosophy of a nation—all these doctrines that guide its interactions with state and nonstate actors—and reinvest it in America’s small businesses. That’s what grows the economy—not foreign policy.” When asked by moderator Bob Schieffer if the U.S. should intervene in the ongoing conflict in Syria, Romney promised to lower taxes and close loopholes in deductions.

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