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Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Romney Privately Wondering How In The Name Of Fuck He’s Going To Appeal To Asian Voters

MOLINE, IL—Mitt Romney privately wondered this week just how in the name of living fuck he’s supposed to appeal to Asian voters, sources close to the presumptive Republican presidential nominee confirmed. “I have to get 40% of these people? I don’t even know how to court one Asian, let alone five million Asians,” muttered the former Massachusetts Governor, adding that he couldn’t think of an Asian on the entire fucking planet that would look at him and think, “I want to vote for that guy.” “This is going to be a goddamn disaster. I have a hard enough time appealing to white women, let alone Asians. Asian, for Christ’s sake.” Recent reports indicate that Romney has decided to start walking around in a silk robe he found in his closet and see if that does anything for him.

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