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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Romney Privately Wondering How In The Name Of Fuck He’s Going To Appeal To Asian Voters

MOLINE, IL—Mitt Romney privately wondered this week just how in the name of living fuck he’s supposed to appeal to Asian voters, sources close to the presumptive Republican presidential nominee confirmed. “I have to get 40% of these people? I don’t even know how to court one Asian, let alone five million Asians,” muttered the former Massachusetts Governor, adding that he couldn’t think of an Asian on the entire fucking planet that would look at him and think, “I want to vote for that guy.” “This is going to be a goddamn disaster. I have a hard enough time appealing to white women, let alone Asians. Asian, for Christ’s sake.” Recent reports indicate that Romney has decided to start walking around in a silk robe he found in his closet and see if that does anything for him.

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