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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Romney Promises Any Pennsylvanian Who Votes For Him Can Have Ann Romney For One Hour

LANGHORNE, PA—In an attempt to sway any voters who remain undecided in the Democratic-leaning state, Republican candidate Mitt Romney announced Friday that any resident of Pennsylvania who votes for him in the upcoming election can have his wife, Ann, for one hour. “One vote for me gets you 60 minutes alone with Ann to do whatever you want, no questions asked,” said Romney, adding that he has broached the proposal with his 63-year-old wife and that she is amenable to it. “She is a very beautiful woman, and very discreet, so trust me, you won’t be disappointed. This is a solid offer I’m making you.” At press time, Romney was assuring female voters that their support will guarantee them one private night with his five sons at the family’s lake house in New Hampshire.

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