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Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Romney Requiring Potential Running Mates To Write 5,000 Word Essay On Favorite Things About Money

BOSTON—As part of its vetting process to select a potential vice president, the Romney campaign reportedly asked each of its shortlisted candidates this week to submit a 10-page essay describing, in detail, what they like most about money. "Before Mitt makes a final decision, he feels it's necessary to know what a prospective running mate’s favorite aspects of money are, be it its rich green color; its ability to be exchanged for luxury items like cars or beachfront homes; or the way it looks in neat, towering stacks," deputy campaign manager Katie Packer Gage told reporters Thursday. "We've made it clear to each essayist that Mitt’s not looking for anything specific here. In fact, he wants candidates to just cut loose and really explore attributes they may not have even realized they loved about money, such as its durable cotton paper stock or how it spontaneously grows when left completely alone in a bank account. Mitt wants to get a sense that if, God forbid, something were to happen to him as president, the individual filling his shoes would not only be capable of loving money as much as he does, but would be able to think about it in interesting, abstract ways." According to several campaign sources who asked not to be identified, former Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty has thus far distinguished himself from the field with a nearly 12,000-word composition describing how deeply he enjoys exchanging 20 one-dollar bills for a single twenty.

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