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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Romney Requiring Potential Running Mates To Write 5,000 Word Essay On Favorite Things About Money

BOSTON—As part of its vetting process to select a potential vice president, the Romney campaign reportedly asked each of its shortlisted candidates this week to submit a 10-page essay describing, in detail, what they like most about money. "Before Mitt makes a final decision, he feels it's necessary to know what a prospective running mate’s favorite aspects of money are, be it its rich green color; its ability to be exchanged for luxury items like cars or beachfront homes; or the way it looks in neat, towering stacks," deputy campaign manager Katie Packer Gage told reporters Thursday. "We've made it clear to each essayist that Mitt’s not looking for anything specific here. In fact, he wants candidates to just cut loose and really explore attributes they may not have even realized they loved about money, such as its durable cotton paper stock or how it spontaneously grows when left completely alone in a bank account. Mitt wants to get a sense that if, God forbid, something were to happen to him as president, the individual filling his shoes would not only be capable of loving money as much as he does, but would be able to think about it in interesting, abstract ways." According to several campaign sources who asked not to be identified, former Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty has thus far distinguished himself from the field with a nearly 12,000-word composition describing how deeply he enjoys exchanging 20 one-dollar bills for a single twenty.

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