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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Romney Requiring Potential Running Mates To Write 5,000 Word Essay On Favorite Things About Money

BOSTON—As part of its vetting process to select a potential vice president, the Romney campaign reportedly asked each of its shortlisted candidates this week to submit a 10-page essay describing, in detail, what they like most about money. "Before Mitt makes a final decision, he feels it's necessary to know what a prospective running mate’s favorite aspects of money are, be it its rich green color; its ability to be exchanged for luxury items like cars or beachfront homes; or the way it looks in neat, towering stacks," deputy campaign manager Katie Packer Gage told reporters Thursday. "We've made it clear to each essayist that Mitt’s not looking for anything specific here. In fact, he wants candidates to just cut loose and really explore attributes they may not have even realized they loved about money, such as its durable cotton paper stock or how it spontaneously grows when left completely alone in a bank account. Mitt wants to get a sense that if, God forbid, something were to happen to him as president, the individual filling his shoes would not only be capable of loving money as much as he does, but would be able to think about it in interesting, abstract ways." According to several campaign sources who asked not to be identified, former Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty has thus far distinguished himself from the field with a nearly 12,000-word composition describing how deeply he enjoys exchanging 20 one-dollar bills for a single twenty.

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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