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Romney Slowly Turning Into $100 Bill

A green, papery surface now covers most of the Republican candidate’s body.
A green, papery surface now covers most of the Republican candidate’s body.

TAMPA, FL—Campaign sources expressed concern today over Mitt Romney’s green complexion, papery skin, and slowly flattening body frame, prompting increased speculation that the Republican presidential candidate has been gradually transforming into a $100 bill.

Staff members said the Republican candidate—whose skin pigmentation has now been fully overtaken by optically variable ink and whose spinal column has slowly shifted into an outline of Philadelphia’s Independence Hall—has been undergoing the transformation throughout the campaign and now more closely resembles a banknote than a human being.

“When Mitt’s skin began changing, everyone was worried he was suffering from some sort of strange health condition,” said an anonymous Romney staffer, who went on to describe the loud crinkling noises the candidate now makes whenever he walks, and the potent smell of paper stock that has overwhelmed campaign headquarters since mid-April. “But when one of our aides noticed Benjamin Franklin’s head starting to protrude from Gov. Romney’s chest, it became clear that he was actually becoming money.”

“We’re not really sure how or why this is happening, and Mitt himself has yet to acknowledge it,” the source continued. “With that being said, he has to realize something’s wrong. I mean, he clearly has the phrase ‘federal reserve note’ running straight down his face, for Christ’s sake.”

The first signs of Romney’s metamorphosis into the denomination of U.S. currency were reportedly observed during a November 2011 campaign stop in Alexandria, VA, when a mixture of black and green ink begin flowing out of the candidate’s nose and ears. Aides said they became worried again later that month after spotting what initially appeared to be large, bold tattoos of serial codes and Timothy Geithner’s signature on Romney’s arms.

Despite his visibly transitioning anatomy and biological structure, Romney has reportedly insisted on maintaining a full schedule of campaign appearances, already leading to numerous incidents in which the .0043-inch-thick candidate has been blown down the street or across the room by strong gusts of wind or ceiling fans.

“I went to one of Gov. Romney’s rallies last month, and when I tried shaking his hand, his whole arm just crumpled right there in my palm,” said Boulder, CO resident and registered Republican Chris Stockwell. “I apologized, but he just kept smiling and told me not to worry about it. Then an aide came over and smoothed out the wrinkles, and Romney just continued making his way through the crowd.”

“The governor definitely looked like a $100 bill, though,” Stockwell added. “And a brand-new, crisp one, too.”

While Romney’s transformation has been met with confusion from the nation’s medical community, many conservative pundits argue the candidate’s transition into a living, breathing unit of currency only increases his viability as a political leader.

“Gov. Romney is a businessman. That is how Americans have gotten to know him, and that is how they will primarily connect with him,” said Collin Levy, a Wall Street Journal senior editorial writer. “The fact of the matter is, the economy is the most important issue in this election, so who better to lead the country in these difficult times than a $100 bill?”

Addressing a crowd of supporters in Florida last Saturday, Romney briefly hinted at his physical condition and its impact on his campaign.

“I want all my supporters to know that no matter how I look, no matter how I change, I am still the right leader for this country,” said a fully green Romney, speaking to applauding supporters as black ink spewed from his mouth. “I promise you we will take back America and make it great again!”

Shortly after leaving the stage, Romney reportedly paused briefly after catching his own reflection in a nearby mirror and quietly said, “Looking good.”

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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