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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Romney Spends Day Tearfully Apologizing At Father's Grave

BRIGHTON, MI—Visitors to Brighton’s Fairview Cemetery confirmed that since early this morning, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has been kneeling at his father’s gravestone and tearfully apologizing to the late politician for his loss to Barack Obama in Tuesday’s election. “All I ever wanted to do was please you, and I failed. I am so, so sorry,” Romney reportedly said as he ran his fingers along the marbled engraving of his father’s name, quietly sobbing while wiping away dirt from his tear-streaked face. “I tried as hard as I could. Honestly, Dad, I did. Can you ever forgive me?” Sources reported that a disconsolate Romney finally left the plot after a deep, guttural voice emanated from the ground and said, “You’ve disappointed me, Mitt. Go away. Forever.”

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