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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Romney Spends Day Tearfully Apologizing At Father's Grave

BRIGHTON, MI—Visitors to Brighton’s Fairview Cemetery confirmed that since early this morning, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has been kneeling at his father’s gravestone and tearfully apologizing to the late politician for his loss to Barack Obama in Tuesday’s election. “All I ever wanted to do was please you, and I failed. I am so, so sorry,” Romney reportedly said as he ran his fingers along the marbled engraving of his father’s name, quietly sobbing while wiping away dirt from his tear-streaked face. “I tried as hard as I could. Honestly, Dad, I did. Can you ever forgive me?” Sources reported that a disconsolate Romney finally left the plot after a deep, guttural voice emanated from the ground and said, “You’ve disappointed me, Mitt. Go away. Forever.”

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