adBlockCheck

Romney Spends Most Of Factory Visit Yelling At Employees To Work Harder

Top Headlines

Politics

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Romney Spends Most Of Factory Visit Yelling At Employees To Work Harder

NORTHFIELD, OH—Sources at the Gregson-Turner Paper Co. confirmed that Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney spent the vast majority of his visit to the company's Ohio-based factory Tuesday yelling at employees to work harder.

Romney, who said the stop was an essential part of his tour of America's manufacturing sector, arrived at the facility at approximately 10 a.m. and within minutes began mercilessly hounding workers throughout the plant to "get their acts together" and "start pounding out some paper, c'mon."

"You people have been at work for nearly four hours and this is all you have to show for it? With all of this equipment?" a frustrated Romney reportedly shouted from the center of the factory while standing near several dozens crates of the day's completed paper supply. "What a truly pathetic performance. You guys better think about tightening things up around here fast, because what I'm seeing right now is completely unacceptable."

"For God's sake, there should be 20 to 30 percent more paper out here!" Romney added.

According to sources, the GOP candidate continually screamed at workers throughout the expansive paper mill to "stop slacking off," and in some cases even stood behind individual employees for as long as 15 minutes, loudly critiquing what he called the "unbelievable sloppiness" on display during every step of the paper's production cycle.

"This is what they're paying you to do?" sources said Romney barked to a lone worker transferring large rags of cotton pulp into a metallic spinning cylinder. "You're just embarrassing yourself now, aren't you? For Christ's sake, put your back into it! God knows you'll be making this up in overtime."

"And what the hell do you all think you're doing?" Romney then said to the room of workers now standing and staring at the scene. "Get back to work!"

Onlookers said the former Massachusetts governor later walked into the company's cafeteria and told workers on their lunch break that "10 minutes was more than enough time to eat a damned sandwich," coarsely reminding them that "the paper wasn't going to produce itself out there."

The few employees who attempted to shake Romney's hand were quickly reprimanded by the candidate, who curtly told them to return to their jobs, telling them his visit was not "some sort of excuse to have a social hour."

Sources said the former Massachusetts governor also provided several ideas for improving productivity at the facility, the majority of which, according to Romney, involved "trimming the fat" and "finally getting around to chucking out some of the dead weight around [the factory]."

"Now, someone like you we can easily fire," Romney was overheard telling an employee removing paper bales from the mill's loading space. "How exactly are you essential? No, honestly, give me one good reason—just one—why you should have a paying job here. Because I look at you and all I see is a pink slip and an extra 25 grand a year that could be funneled somewhere else."

"I'm telling you, I've seen machines do your job way, way faster and for free," added Romney, jutting a finger into the man's face. "Remember that. And wipe that stupid look off your face."

According to company officials, Romney proceeded to outline how dozens of jobs across the paper mill were unnecessary, noting that terminations would be required because, while there were much-needed managerial roles to be filled, current employees "lacked even a basic education" and could not seriously be considered for them.

"See, if I were in charge, I'd probably just move the entire plant to Taiwan and save us all a big chunk of change," Romney said. "It's stupid to overpay a massive, bloated staff like this when someone faster and younger can do all this overseas for a fraction of the price. That's just common business sense. You'd seriously have to be an idiot not to see that, but hey, maybe that's exactly what I'm dealing with here: idiots." 

"Thanks for all of your support again, guys," Romney added as he left the factory.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close