Romney Stands Behind Ryan To Show Good Campaigning Stance

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Vol 48 Issue 42

Romney Blimp Makes Emergency Landing

While flying over Boca Raton, FL yesterday ahead of the final presidential debate, a blimp bearing the likeness of the Republican presidential nominee and the phrase “America Needs Romney” was forced by high winds to make an emergency landing.

The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Chelsea Burns and Robert Jacobs

Chelsea Burns and Robert Jacobs were married at sunset Saturday on a picturesque Hawaiian beach inside Chelsea's head, while the rest of her body was at the actual ceremony near the seventh hole of the golf club Robert's dad belongs to.

Boy Scouts Release Sex-Abuse Documents

The Boy Scouts of America released 14,500 pages of so-called “perversion files,” which include details of child molestation at the hands of scoutmasters between 1959 and 1985, and reveal that more than a third of such instances were not report...
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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Romney Stands Behind Ryan To Show Good Campaigning Stance

COLUMBUS, OH—In order to demonstrate proper campaign posture, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney stood behind running mate Paul Ryan on Saturday and gently guided the younger man’s hips and elbows into an ideal speaking stance, sources confirmed. “There you go…just let the speech flow from here,” Romney reportedly said while patting Ryan’s abdomen and resting his chin on his shoulder as he maneuvered the Wisconsin congressman’s shoulders into a more confident position, his strong but soft hands gradually plying the naive representative’s frame into that of a master statesman. “You're doing terrific,” whispered the former Massachusetts governor as his right ear lightly brushed against Ryan’s cheek. “You’re a natural.” At press time, the candidates’ eyes had met, their gaze holding for upwards of 20 seconds.

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