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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Romney Tailors Nursing Home Visit To Those Who Will Still Be Alive On Election Day

DAVENPORT, OH—While making campaign stops in Ohio Thursday, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney stopped by the Morningside Assisted-Living Center, where he talked exclusively to elderly men and women who will still be alive and physically able to vote this November. "President Obama has given us a failed economic policy, a job-killing health care plan, and out-of-control government spending, but if I'm elected, I can promise a better, brighter America for you, you, you, not you, definitely not you, and…you," Romney said while shaking the outstretched hands of only the healthiest-looking residents in the Morningside dining hall. "Together, the five of us can help turn this country back into the thriving, prosperous place it once was." At press time, Romney was waiting for his advisers to check the medical records of a smiling 92-year-old woman before returning her wave.

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