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Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Romney Tailors Nursing Home Visit To Those Who Will Still Be Alive On Election Day

DAVENPORT, OH—While making campaign stops in Ohio Thursday, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney stopped by the Morningside Assisted-Living Center, where he talked exclusively to elderly men and women who will still be alive and physically able to vote this November. "President Obama has given us a failed economic policy, a job-killing health care plan, and out-of-control government spending, but if I'm elected, I can promise a better, brighter America for you, you, you, not you, definitely not you, and…you," Romney said while shaking the outstretched hands of only the healthiest-looking residents in the Morningside dining hall. "Together, the five of us can help turn this country back into the thriving, prosperous place it once was." At press time, Romney was waiting for his advisers to check the medical records of a smiling 92-year-old woman before returning her wave.

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Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

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